Category Archives: meepy whiningness

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So I continue to contemplate moving over to blogger. And I’m contemplating having a blog that is not for academics although this blog hardly addresses issues of an academic nature. And maybe that’s the problem? I think too that I’ve been missing Maude a lot lately as well, that “Nola” seems like something that I’ve “accomplished,” since my goal was always to return home. I’m not exactly “home,” but I’m close enough. Maybe what I need is a blog that is personal, where I discuss the crap in my life and one where I work through the academic stuff. I have academic things planned. I have research goals. Maybe I just feel centered on that right now, like since I’m still in the early stages I don’t have much strife with these projects so I don’t have much to write about? Maybe I’m just not that into all the ins and outs of academia in the larger picture beyond what concerns me in my little corner and that I wish I were.

Maybe it’s just that time of the month. I usually feel like I’m having some kind of identity crisis about once a month I feel like.

Maybe it’s just still trying to feel like I’m back on track after spring break.

Actually, maybe I *am* having a crisis about my research. The ideas are there. I just don’t know where to start. How I’m going to reign this all in. And I need to get back to the theoretical part of it. And I need to really focus my MWF mornings on research. This means that I’ve got to do what I did in the beginning of February–when I want chocolate, I bake apples. I know sugar is sugar, but apples don’t keep me up at night.

I’m going to toodle around on blogger for a while. If I move or add anything, I’ll let you know.

HOpe you all are well!

 

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I have a really cool thing to tell all of you, but I need to wait a couple of days to make it a little bit harder to triangulate my position and identity (although many of you who still read this know who I am).

But I can’t wait to tell you because it was really, really cool. And I was on the news for it. As was the husband. So stay tuned…

 

In other news (hahaha, pun intended sort of), there are few things more humbling and than seeing oneself on camera. Wow. I cried after I saw myself on t.v. I seriously did. I shed tears because I thought I had been making all this progress, that I looked good. That I had made some updates to my look, that my skin was starting to look better and that I had actually updated my haircut in a way that you know, took some years off. Not according to how I looked on t.v.! Last night was my first meltdown in a month. Wine and ice cream. I feel like crap this morning, and we have a 10 hour drive in front of us today. So why am I blogging and not packing? Because I feel gross this morning, and it’s taking me a while to get moving. I know this week will be spent trying to work off the damage I did Sunday and Monday night. Which has me a little bit down. And because we had a full day yesterday and I still had a syllabus to work on, I didn’t workout yesterday. And I won’t have the opportunity to today either. This is the first time in 6 weeks that I’ll have taken two days off in a row. It’s not the end of the world, but something about Home City just unravels me. But, I was much more successful this time around. If there is any weight gain from the vacay, I can’t tell because my clothes still fit. Historically, it’s been entirely possible for me to come to Home City with clothes that fit and leave a week later with clothes that are too tight. At least that didn’t happen this time.

Part of the problem was that it was COLD! Colder than the weather had predicted. And I did not bring running clothes for weather this cold, which means that I’ve had to wait until later in the day to work out, which while I have a nice schedule at BLT, here it was kind of a problem saving the workouts until the afternoon. Normally the cold wouldn’t bother me, but since everyone is getting sick and still sick, and I don’t want to get sick. Plus, it’s the recovery week for one of the programs that I’m doing, which is fine, and I need the rest, but I think I’ve got to keep doing the other program because I have found that I feel my best about myself when I do the second one with the running.

Here’s the other problem–I have been spending too much money the last couple of days because I have just been feeling so ugly! And it’s bad. I don’t have the money to spend on my looks. I mean, my looks need some updating. I’m in a rut. Totally. It’s bad. But I also need shoes–I just wore out my second pair of Dansko’s ever! Like I have worn through the seams! You know I got some use out of them!

But this is what happens when I come here. I don’t know why. It’s weird because I consider this place home, but I’ve been on shaky ground since having beers with my friend, the pixie in human form. I think once I get home and get back to my routine and have control over what’s being cooked, and getting back to my environment will help.Of course that doesn’t solve the immediate problem of my spending this past week, but I did get a new outfit for yesterday’s event which will double as the first day of class outfit. The biggest purchase was for the J–we finally went to the eye doctor and he got new glasses for the first time in 5 years! But of course we’re out of network, so we had to pay for those. And I’m out of contacts, so I got six months worth of them with the hopes that by the time I need to replace them the J will have some income. I couldn’t justify $200+ for a year when six months were $100 less and the J needs glasses.

Anyway, now I’m complaining. But thanks for listening. I’m off to pack now and get stuff cleaned up here so we can hit the road soon.

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I’ve been beating myself up a lot lately. I think I’m just suffering from a mild to moderate case of depression here. And a lack of commitment to things that I need to be doing not to be depressed.

Like my work. Which is how I know I might be depressed because I love my job here. I do not feel beat down by this job. I actually have time to theoretically stress free work on my own research and stuff, but I haven’t done any of that.

Perhaps it’s because even though it feels like spring today, it’s still technically “winter,” and we’ve had enough gray and rainy days to affect my mood? I’m not actually behind on my work yet, but after today, if I don’t get the grading done, then I probably will be. And I have students coming in tomorrow and for the rest of the week to talk about their revisions in the other class, so I’ve got to get the one class done so they can as well and just be done with it.

And honestly, I think if I do get that monkey off my back then I will feel a ton better than how I am feeling now because it is a burden at this point to have it lingering. And since I’ve been here, it’s been rare for me to have papers for more than a week. Even when all the classes come in at once. Fortunately I spent yesterday and Saturday morning reading for tomorrow’s and Wednesday’s lit classes (it was a chunk of work to read) that I at least don’t have that hanging over me. I still have a bit I need to do tomorrow for the theory class, but at least I have tomorrow to do it.

Look, I know it sounds overly dramatic, but life just seems insurmountable right now. Maybe I’m just still catching up on all that sleep I didn’t get last week. And my head’s a little stopped up. I think I just need another week where I can not think of school or anything school related, sleep, and be. Plus, I’ve still got that abstract hanging over my head that really needed to be done yesterday, too. I’m giving myself until Wednesday to pull my shit together for that one. Grading must be done first.

The other thing driving me nuts is my whole weight loss plan/issue thing. Yeah, I know I tore myself a new one before my bday about actually paying attention to the numbers, but it’s so counterproductive and frustrating for me! If I’m sitting around stressing about it, the scale is not going to move. My body just refuses to let the stress go because it’s all about the numbers. At some point I’ve got to pay attention to it, and at some point the scale has got to move downward, but the counterproductive part is the obsessive focus on the numbers. It’s getting out of control. I eat pretty clean about 80% of the time. And maybe that 20% really is the problem. But it is up from about 40-50% of the time. We did eat out more this week than normal because I hadn’t gone to the grocery and I just didn’t feel good. And the J did cook for me, too.  And I know that this is tied into my depressive bout right now, and it is related to not working out last week as much because that’s what makes me feel better, and I know this knot in my back won’t go away until I relax and get back to some kind of sensible balance or control, and I’m focusing all my energy on the scale. That is wrong. I’ve got to hide the scale. Seriously. I think I’ll go through my closet today and find what fits well enough to wear to work and put that at the front and plan my wardrobe out like I plan the nightly meals so that way I don’t have to go through the “what fits today” dance and can maybe wear something other than jeans to work?

The point is, I’ve got to reframe this. I know I do my best when I look at weight as secondary. And this may mean that we run the half marathon instead of the full marathon if I can’t put in the training for the full and not get injured. I don’t know. Maybe Health, Fitness, Stress Relief need to be my mantra.

Perhaps I just don’t respect the process. Perhaps I’m just a whiner.

This turned out to be a lot whinier than I thought. So right now, I’m going to try to knock out some response papers for one of the lit classes. I think that will make me feel better.

ETA: Now I know why I’ve been avoiding these papers. Of the ten I’ve graded thus far, 4 are Fs and 2 are Ds. Which is actually not too surprising as only about 5 people participate in class discussion, there have been lots of absences, and it’s not clear that any of them are really keeping up with the reading at all.

ETA: The grading for the lit classes is done! Yay! I’m going to finish some laundry, work out, run, write their midterm for the end of the week so that’s done, and then I will have some wine and a very nice, well deserved dinner. Seriously. I knew my mood would change once I had this off my back. And I know I’ll feel even better after yoga and a run. Not bad for four hours worth of work. I feel so much better.

So.Freaking.Exhausted.

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I convalesced yesterday. I read. I had a good dinner, with some wine hoping the alcohol would make me drowsy, and I tried to relax. I went to bed early. And for three hours I tossed and turned and fretted.

I know what’s keeping me up at night.

Money.

It’s terribly cliche’, yes. And I’ve spent the last week fretting about what I should have been doing differently over the past year and what I can do to try to fix everything. I’m struggling too with feeling like I am humiliating the J by hounding him about things–like applying for unemployment. I know he sees it as a mark against his ability to provide. I see it as just the opposite–it enables him to provide while he continues to look for work.Even if it’s only enough for food, then that’s money from my paycheck I can put into savings. His application at the U is held up a bit because the application requires an immunization record. He has access to his records–sort of–but it requires going to a military base to get them, and the last time he went, the office was closed. It’s an hour drive. His unit transfer is going so super slow, too, which means he hasn’t gone to drill in two months (which pays him about $400/drill). We have enough to take care of our current needs, and I’d worry less if I had a 12 month contract (like I did in Fancy Town) rather than a 9 month contract, and it seems we are still catching up from the move and from debt that having the money set aside for summer is not working out right now, and I feel like it’s my fault.

The other thing is that his job in Home City opened back up, and while the goal is for the J to actually finish school, I think he should apply for the job just in case because here it seems impossible to get a hold of anyone to find out the status of his application. And if he can’t get in for March, then we need a back up plan. But the other problem is that if he does take the job, then he’ll need to make sure he’s working through the entire month of August. Which means he’ll be gone. Again. If his old job does employ him, then I can afford not work this summer and can go to Fancy Town for three months–or I can still work and got to Fancy Town for two months over the summer with the hopes then that he starts school in the fall.

I have a knot the size of a rolling pin running under each shoulder blade and across the upper part of my back.

I’m hoping that we each get a decent tax return to put into savings so that I can breathe a little easier.

Of course, sitting up nights worrying about this isn’t going to make anything better either. In fact, it may make it worse as people who don’t get enough sleep consistently make bad decisions.

One thing that does make me feel a little bit better is that we have decided to try to sell the house this summer. We are not going to get any money for it, and the goal really is to break even on it. That makes me feel a little bit better. Of course, actually, the J needs to be working and we need to have money in savings so that we can go to Home City this summer and clean the house out of our stuff–that’s going to take about a month. Seriously. Sigh.

I think I’m also going to cancel my noon class today and tomorrow morning’s class. I need the rest. I need the time to catch up. I need one morning to sleep in. I can trudge my way through the theory class this morning–and that one may even be cut short, too. But I’m so tired that I can barely function right now. And trying to teach through this is doing more harm than good at this point. The students aren’t getting what they need from me, and I haven’t been able to grade their work. I can’t focus on their writing, and since these are papers that they can revise (and probably about half along the two classes will want to), then I need to be able to focus on what they’re saying. And I can feel the beginning of a migraine–both from the knot in my neck and from the lack of sleep. And really, honestly, if I felt like I could, I’d cancel the theory class this morning as well.

This quarter just seems more overwhelming than last quarter, and I’m sure it’s the lack of sleep. Now it’s time to get ready to try to get something done in the early class.

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It’s only Tuesday, and I’m verily exhausted. Like hardcore exhausted. I’m supposed to be using my office hours right now to grade some stuff that I’ve had for almost a week. I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s one of those moments where it will take extraordinarily long to get through like 2 because I’m so tired that while yes, I’ll be two closer to being done, the energy expenditure will be too great and I’ll get less done later. Or at least that’s the narrative I’m telling myself at this moment. It’s not so much that I have to be in the mood to grade (because whoever is really in the mood to grade), but I am not in the mood to grade at this moment. I’m exhausted.

I have not been sleeping well which surprises me given how tired I am. While I may be near comatose during the late afternoon, after dinner I perk up and am wired. I catch this weird second wind. And when I try to wind down, it doesn’t work.  I cannot seem to get the bedroom at a comfortable temperature for all involved. Nor will the dog leave me alone at night. The entire break, he slept on the floor and I was getting like 10 hours of good sleep a night without him bothering me. Now that break is over, he won’t let me get a good night’s sleep. The J had to take him out into the den last night and sleep on the couch so I could fall asleep, which wasn’t until midnight. I feel like I’m barely functioning. I almost put the frozen fruit in the pantry this morning rather than back in the freezer.

Also, I’m not sure I’m digging on this two week break right in the middle of a new quarter. The students seem like they feel they’ve already done the work they needed to before break and are just trying to wing it until finals at the end of February. It’s too damn early to be pulling teeth already. Oh well, I guess they’ll “get it” when it’s time for the midterm. Of course, it’s not completely their fault–if I’m being honest, I have to admit that I’m having trouble coming back midstream, too, but it just seems way super more exhausting to have to pull teeth than to teach. These 10 office hours a week are killing me right now, too. And I thought this would be a good schedule that I have this quarter, but it really sucks.

Perhaps I’m so super negative this morning because I’m just freaking exhausted. I think I might go home and take a nap before I do anything else today. And I’ve got to make some attempt at this grading at some point. But I need a nap first. And then my workout, and then grading. I really do not want to spend the weekend grading this weekend, so I’ve got to rock and roll and get the grading finished by Friday’s noon class.

The lack of sleep is affecting my teaching as well. Which makes me feel like my teaching is bad. It’s hard to focus and stay organized, and I feel like the students are just sorta like WTF is going on here?

And this is why I hate being tired: it makes me do stupid shit like googling my nemeses and now hoping that I landed on their blogs in a convoluted enough was that site meter doesn’t show where I am to get there. Ugh. I’m pissed at myself. I hate being tired. Why do I do the things that I do?? Gross.

I’m cutting out of my office hours early now, and I’m going to go take a nap.

I know the light is at the end of the tunnel; I just can’t see it.

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On Monday I felt like the week was impossibly long.

On Tuesday I thought, “woo hoo! It’s Thursday, thank god!” Oops.

Today I woke up feeling like it was Friday and smiled briefly until I realized that it was still only Wednesday which means that I have to teach students stuff today and tomorrow and I have a whole large stack of research essays (some of which were just started on yesterday! the horror awaits!) to come in tomorrow and another stack of essays on Friday. Now I want to just cry.

I should be doing everything but blogging right now, but my brain is not functioning yet. Last week was a great and productive week! This week, sigh, not so much. I’m utterly exhausted. I would say it’s from the miles I’ve been logging for my runs, but it’s not a physical exhaustion that I feel.That I can deal with. I could take a nap, go to bed early, wrap up in my snuggie on the couch and read until I pass out fall asleep. No. This is full on mental exhaustion. Naps don’t help. I have gotten two nights this week of solid 8 hour uninterrupted sleep, good restorative sleep, but I wake up feeling beat down and exhausted. Yesterday I was barely functioning. I haven’t read anything for this article due in two weeks since Monday, and that is really really slow going. I really don’t know why I thought I could do this in six weeks. I’ll be happy that I did when I finish it, but damn, no, right now I am not happy in the least that I agreed to such a short deadline, but want to redeem myself for missing the last one. (same journal, and as a result, there were no feature articles so because of myself and another person, there were no features and the journal was delayed–it’s a small small venue, but an important one). So yeah.

My brain feels like oatmeal. I think if I didn’t have this deadline looming, I’d feel better. I could function enough to give the quarter a strong finish, but it’s not happening. And the next couple of weeks will be one long family visit. Although it’s nice to have people coming to see me rather than the other way around. I’ll say that much.

I will say this though about this place–even though I’m exhausted and my brain feels like mush and I don’t really want to have to interact with anybody anymore and I just want to stay in my house alone for a week uninterrupted and read and run–while I feel this way, the one thing I don’t feel is demoralized and beat down. I just feel tired. WHile I could totally use a five week Christmas break and will miss that about my old job, I don’t feel like I *need* it just to keep from killing myself after the semester ends. I don’t think 13 days is really going to be enough time for me to get everything done that I need to before the start of the winter quarter; however I do think it will be adequate time to recharge my batteries so to speak. And I don’t feel like I need five weeks to hide and get the fuck out of dodge. So that’s something, right?

So, on that note, I’m going to give today’s reading a quick skim just in case they want to discuss it (it’s short–like 4 pages, if that long), because I’m going to give them the option of working on their essays due Friday or discussing the text that way I can answer questions about the papers and won’t have to meet with them outside of my office hours. And it will give me a bit more time to grade and not teach.I am lazy and tired.

Also, the J has been out of town for a week. It is actually a significant help to have him around to deal with the dogs in the morning. I mean, it really does give me like an extra 30 minutes. I’m able to eat breakfast when he’s around to help. This last week during the week? Not so much. That’s probably part of the problem. But he’s supposed to be home tomorrow night, for good for real this time. And seriously, that day can’t come soon enough.

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Well, so I’m mostly over myself and my embarrassment I guess. I got some good ribbing last night for my drunkenness last week, so that actually made me feel a little bit better because I’m tired of being embarrassed for that and feeling bad about myself but I’m sensitive, so, you know.

And I took down my whiney part of my post yesterday. Seriously, I feel like a tool. I still don’t think the person actually likes me, but I will not hold it against this person at all.

I feel better today because I got a good night’s sleep last night. Of course,naturally, the morning that I don’t have to get up and teach and the Red Rocket decides that’s the night he’s going to sleep in his bed the entire night. Rotten mutt. But that’s okay. It’s important to get a good night’s sleep on a Friday night so that the weekend can go well. And maybe I slept well last night because I actually ran yesterday. Nine days ago I felt confident about the beginning of the marathon training. Yesterday that confidence was very low.

I am actually still quite down on myself. And I did even go for a run yesterday. But the run wasn’t a good run. And my leg hurt because I hadn’t run in 8 days. So what did I expect. I suspect though that after a few days of consisten exercise I’ll be feeling better. It’s actually really hard to describe how I feel right now. I’m not sure I’d describe it as depressed. That doesn’t feel like the right term. Even though I am feeling down, it’s still not the same as feeling depressed, or at least not so for me. And maybe I actually am suffering a bit of a bought of depression. Maybe that’s why my whole body aches right now, even though I’m over the hip issue and I’m over the hangover. It is possible that’s why I’ve had a stomach ache the last couple of days. Maybe I’m not recognizing it for what it is at this moment. But I don’t *feel* depressed like how I felt in the past. So perhaps I actually am but in a different way? I mean, I didn’t get any work done at all yesterday in my office because I just wanted to sit there and cry. and I couldn’t focus.  And the run didn’t have the immediate uplifting effect it normally does. I feel left out and unloved. Left out of what? I don’t know. Unloved by whom? I don’t know.

And now that I’m thinking about it, I’m sorta down again. Perhaps because it’s a bit rainy and chilly outside. Perhaps it *is* because I haven’t worked out and have been eating like crap all week. I know there’s a whole connection there among mind, body, and spirit. So maybe I’m just really out of balance. And it’s going to take more than a day or two to restore that balance, so I guess I need to just hang in there.

I think on the day’s agenda is to clean, straighten the office and the kitchen, grade, and try to do some of my own work today, or I prep for the week so that I can spend tomorrow working on my little article due in five weeks. It needs to be near perfect out of the gate this time around  because there’s hardly any leeway or editing time, and I don’t want two fuck ups in a row for this editor, even though the last one was fixable. Total million dollar idea in a five cent box.

Have a great Saturday all!