Feeling Guilty


I’m still tinkering with returning to blogger. I think I’m just having one of those moments where I’m feeling antsy in my space. I think it’s indicative of my life in general.

I have a dilemma this morning though–I haven’t seen the g’parents in about a three weeks. They were sick last week and we were out of town for the time before that. And I feel guilty because I think I’m going to call and cancel on them today, which then I have to, come hell or high water, make sure that if they are not sick next weekend, we get over there.

Here’s the issue–I’m behind. Sorta. I can get tomorrow’s stuff read and done and still work out before we go over there this morning because that stuff did not get done yesterday (which is part of my dilemma). If we go over there this morning, then all of the housework does not get done today, and this place is bad right now. I haven’t cleaned “cleaned” since before spring break. The winter clothes are scattered everywhere and need to be vacuum sealed and stored. The summer (yes folks, we’re already in summer. It’s glorious! It’s been in the 80s for the last week and a half and it’s not like there’s a chance for some late spring snow here or a late spring freeze or anything like that in these parts–we’re out of the cold season) stuff needs to be folded and put away. Good will stuff needs to be organized and delivered. The kitchen table needs to be cleaned off. Old bills need to be shredded, and I’ve got to make about 2 dozen hamburgers for tonight.

Why did the important stuff not get done yesterday? I didn’t feel good yesterday morning and slept in a bit, so in lieu of reading while not feeling well, what I felt like doing was running some errands before the stores got crowded. And then we went to the grocery. And by the time we got home, it was now or never for the workout. I’m glad I did. I finally felt human again after working out. Made dinner, vegged with the husband, and called it a night. That means that everything that didn’t get done yesterday needs to be done today.

If we do visit the g’parents, that means that I will be behind for the next two weeks–literally. I have two classes’ lit responses that need to be graded next week–I’m going to try to do as many as possible during my office hours, but I also have freshman freaking out over their drafts, too, so I already have meetings with them next week which eats into the grading time (which is fine–my office hours are for them; I don’t mean to sound callous. I told at least three of them that we *needed* to discuss these drafts before they are due Friday). And next Saturday morning is lost to me because I have to do some exam proctoring that’s part of my service. And I tried to get up earlier this morning, I really did.

I just feel guilty yesterday for doing things that I wanted to do rather than working so that I could go to the g’parents’ house today. But we go this week, we won’t be going next week, that’s for sure. But if we go today, I have a hellacious week ahead of me, and I don’t want that. And I just did not have the energy or the strength last week to work like I had been. I was exhausted, fully and completely by Thursday. Usually I can make it to Friday before I just fizz out. But my classes Friday, including the one I subbed for, were not great. I was stuttering and stammering. I seemed like I was completely unprepared when in fact I actually wasn’t. I woke up with a sick belly just about every morning.

But yesterday I think I figured out what was going on and why even though I’m tired and sore this morning why if I can stay home the day doesn’t seem so daunting–I think I may have a gluten sensitivity issue. I don’t think I’m intolerant. I don’t think I’m allergic. But the one thing that changed during spring break and since then was the amount of gluten in our diets from eating fried foods, processed foods, pizza out of laziness. Other things were bread is the main staple of the meal. I have noticed that my energy has plummeted. My recovery time from my big workouts is longer and more painful. I am, for the first time in six weeks, having trouble sleeping (No, I’m not pregnant–I can say that without a doubt). I’ve been stuttering. I’ve been having trouble focusing. In short, my overall health has been challenged. And that’s the only thing that has changed. But yesterday was a gluten free day and I had no trouble sleeping. I couldn’t get up as early as I wanted to, but I guess I’m recovering from poor sleep during the week, but I don’t feel like I’ve been hit by a truck, and my stomach didn’t hurt this morning. I’m looking forward to my workout today rather than feeling so tired that I want to blow it off. I don’t know if this is something new as a result of dramatically cutting back on things that contain gluten. I’m not affected if there are traces of it or if it’s an ingredient far down on the list–that’s why I don’t think I have an allergy to it. But, I would venture to say that since my diet has changed since spring break out of laziness and vacation eating habits, and that that is the only thing that has changed, I think there might be something to it. So I’ll be more conscious of what I’m eating this week and get back to my normal diet and see if there’s a difference by next week and then I feel like I’ll know what’s up.

That being said, I’m going to do another load of laundry and get to reading and then call the grandparents.

Thanks for listening folks. Sometimes I just have to work through my guilt and need some reassurance.


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