I’ve been beating myself up a lot lately. I think I’m just suffering from a mild to moderate case of depression here. And a lack of commitment to things that I need to be doing not to be depressed.

Like my work. Which is how I know I might be depressed because I love my job here. I do not feel beat down by this job. I actually have time to theoretically stress free work on my own research and stuff, but I haven’t done any of that.

Perhaps it’s because even though it feels like spring today, it’s still technically “winter,” and we’ve had enough gray and rainy days to affect my mood? I’m not actually behind on my work yet, but after today, if I don’t get the grading done, then I probably will be. And I have students coming in tomorrow and for the rest of the week to talk about their revisions in the other class, so I’ve got to get the one class done so they can as well and just be done with it.

And honestly, I think if I do get that monkey off my back then I will feel a ton better than how I am feeling now because it is a burden at this point to have it lingering. And since I’ve been here, it’s been rare for me to have papers for more than a week. Even when all the classes come in at once. Fortunately I spent yesterday and Saturday morning reading for tomorrow’s and Wednesday’s lit classes (it was a chunk of work to read) that I at least don’t have that hanging over me. I still have a bit I need to do tomorrow for the theory class, but at least I have tomorrow to do it.

Look, I know it sounds overly dramatic, but life just seems insurmountable right now. Maybe I’m just still catching up on all that sleep I didn’t get last week. And my head’s a little stopped up. I think I just need another week where I can not think of school or anything school related, sleep, and be. Plus, I’ve still got that abstract hanging over my head that really needed to be done yesterday, too. I’m giving myself until Wednesday to pull my shit together for that one. Grading must be done first.

The other thing driving me nuts is my whole weight loss plan/issue thing. Yeah, I know I tore myself a new one before my bday about actually paying attention to the numbers, but it’s so counterproductive and frustrating for me! If I’m sitting around stressing about it, the scale is not going to move. My body just refuses to let the stress go because it’s all about the numbers. At some point I’ve got to pay attention to it, and at some point the scale has got to move downward, but the counterproductive part is the obsessive focus on the numbers. It’s getting out of control. I eat pretty clean about 80% of the time. And maybe that 20% really is the problem. But it is up from about 40-50% of the time. We did eat out more this week than normal because I hadn’t gone to the grocery and I just didn’t feel good. And the J did cook for me, too.  And I know that this is tied into my depressive bout right now, and it is related to not working out last week as much because that’s what makes me feel better, and I know this knot in my back won’t go away until I relax and get back to some kind of sensible balance or control, and I’m focusing all my energy on the scale. That is wrong. I’ve got to hide the scale. Seriously. I think I’ll go through my closet today and find what fits well enough to wear to work and put that at the front and plan my wardrobe out like I plan the nightly meals so that way I don’t have to go through the “what fits today” dance and can maybe wear something other than jeans to work?

The point is, I’ve got to reframe this. I know I do my best when I look at weight as secondary. And this may mean that we run the half marathon instead of the full marathon if I can’t put in the training for the full and not get injured. I don’t know. Maybe Health, Fitness, Stress Relief need to be my mantra.

Perhaps I just don’t respect the process. Perhaps I’m just a whiner.

This turned out to be a lot whinier than I thought. So right now, I’m going to try to knock out some response papers for one of the lit classes. I think that will make me feel better.

ETA: Now I know why I’ve been avoiding these papers. Of the ten I’ve graded thus far, 4 are Fs and 2 are Ds. Which is actually not too surprising as only about 5 people participate in class discussion, there have been lots of absences, and it’s not clear that any of them are really keeping up with the reading at all.

ETA: The grading for the lit classes is done! Yay! I’m going to finish some laundry, work out, run, write their midterm for the end of the week so that’s done, and then I will have some wine and a very nice, well deserved dinner. Seriously. I knew my mood would change once I had this off my back. And I know I’ll feel even better after yoga and a run. Not bad for four hours worth of work. I feel so much better.


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