I feel like I’m stuck in a rut.

This was a terrible week. Not because anything major happened, but it just sucked. Perhaps it had a lot to do with not being able to sleep, which let to not being able to work out, which led to my not feeling well, compounding some latent depression and anxiety that I’ve been feeling a lot lately. In addition, some mid-grade stress is I believe fully responsible for the knot that will not go away under my shoulder blade.

I have spent more time than usual crying this week on a non PMS week–like nearly every night. I have found that I’m shifting the focus of my stress and tears toward my weight loss and health efforts. And I recognize that this is a way to avoid what might actually be bothering me because aside from money woes (which it looks like the J may be getting unemployment as he pursues a job and waits to get into school–I’m trying to be hopeful about that, but when I allow my mind to consider how much my burden will be lightened, I’m afraid the universe will smack down my arrogance, just like what happened in the beginning of the school year and the end  of last semester and this summer…). But the problem is, I don’t know what else is bothering me. I think part of it is my job–after being in la la land about how wonderful my life is here, I’m now neck deep in stuff that I’ve always wanted to teach, but have NEVER taught, and I feel like I’m on very shaky ground here. I’m the most behind on grading that I’ve been in seriously like a year (last quarter I was really good about keeping up with stuff, but this quarter, I can’t seem to get my shit together at all with the grading, and I know I’d feel better if it were done, and that is the plan for this weekend). I just can’t seem to get my head in the game right now, and I’m sure that’s part of the stress, too. Every day feels like a chore. Last quarter I did not feel that way (probably because I still had 10, 9, 8. 7 months to save up for summer–now that it slip sliding away…)

And I really miss my three day weekends man. I didn’t realize how much I actually did on Fridays the last two years. And while I love my g’parents, going over to their house every weekend is starting to wear me out, too. Maybe that’s how I got through last quarter. I took the month of October off from my visits to them. Terrible, I know, but that really is lost time in the middle of the quarter. And when I visit, I shouldn’t be thinking of all the other things I could be/should be doing. And that’s not fair to them. So we’re going over today instead of tomorrow so I can feel like I’ve got two days off for the holiday rather than just one.

I’ve lost my train of thought now because the dog is whining to go out. Fair enough. I guess I’ve got to figure out what needs to be done today and this weekend and, try to get some rest and try to get caught up.



4 responses »

  1. I kinda know how you feel — right now I’ve got a cold and cramps and stress and I don’t know which symptoms are for what and what things I could take something for together.

    It sounds like visiting your grandparents every week is a bit too much of a commitment —- could you meet with them once a month? That’s still frequent. Or drive down for dinner and then drive back (or drive back the next morning?) My brother and sister go over to our parents house for Saturday dinner and that’s it, but they also live only 30 min away.

    The “always wanted to teach, but never taught” stuff actually sounds _awesome_. Because it is cool stuff that you love. Remember that starting up getting the comp class really sucked that first year too, and then as you figured it out, it got easier. So after a year or so all of your specialty stuff will be more solid to you and you will have gotten over that learning curve too.

    Good luck! If you’re feeling really anxious, maybe go back to finding someone you can talk to and talk these things out with.

    • I hate to sound ungrateful, because I am really glad that I’m teaching the things that I want to teach–I think it’s that total fraud thing, the feeling like I’m going to be exposed as a fake in my own field, utter insecurity, which I know next time I teach it it will be gone, but right now it’s killing me.

      I think you’re right about having someone to talk to. While I have lots of friends here, lots of people I hang out with and spend a lot of time with, I don’t really have anyone to talk to. Like I want any of my colleagues to know that I’m intensely worried about money and the J’s unemployment. Right now the thing saving me is working out, and when I wasn’t able to work out this week, the week just seemed so much darker. And hugs to you, too! Solidarity in facing the things making us stressed and crampy!

  2. See? Blogventing is so useful that way! No one actually _working_ with us needs to hear all the crap we need to get out of our heads! But it does need to get out.

    Good luck with the crappy response papers! Nothing like a stack of those to get you down. Here’s hoping that the sun will come out and be lovely by you!

  3. It’s a little gray over here right now, but there’s no snow and it feels like spring, so that run that I’ve earned for getting through all this grading will help with the attitude. Here’s hoping the sun comes out by you, too!

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