I convalesced yesterday. I read. I had a good dinner, with some wine hoping the alcohol would make me drowsy, and I tried to relax. I went to bed early. And for three hours I tossed and turned and fretted.
I know what’s keeping me up at night.
It’s terribly cliche’, yes. And I’ve spent the last week fretting about what I should have been doing differently over the past year and what I can do to try to fix everything. I’m struggling too with feeling like I am humiliating the J by hounding him about things–like applying for unemployment. I know he sees it as a mark against his ability to provide. I see it as just the opposite–it enables him to provide while he continues to look for work.Even if it’s only enough for food, then that’s money from my paycheck I can put into savings. His application at the U is held up a bit because the application requires an immunization record. He has access to his records–sort of–but it requires going to a military base to get them, and the last time he went, the office was closed. It’s an hour drive. His unit transfer is going so super slow, too, which means he hasn’t gone to drill in two months (which pays him about $400/drill). We have enough to take care of our current needs, and I’d worry less if I had a 12 month contract (like I did in Fancy Town) rather than a 9 month contract, and it seems we are still catching up from the move and from debt that having the money set aside for summer is not working out right now, and I feel like it’s my fault.
The other thing is that his job in Home City opened back up, and while the goal is for the J to actually finish school, I think he should apply for the job just in case because here it seems impossible to get a hold of anyone to find out the status of his application. And if he can’t get in for March, then we need a back up plan. But the other problem is that if he does take the job, then he’ll need to make sure he’s working through the entire month of August. Which means he’ll be gone. Again. If his old job does employ him, then I can afford not work this summer and can go to Fancy Town for three months–or I can still work and got to Fancy Town for two months over the summer with the hopes then that he starts school in the fall.
I have a knot the size of a rolling pin running under each shoulder blade and across the upper part of my back.
I’m hoping that we each get a decent tax return to put into savings so that I can breathe a little easier.
Of course, sitting up nights worrying about this isn’t going to make anything better either. In fact, it may make it worse as people who don’t get enough sleep consistently make bad decisions.
One thing that does make me feel a little bit better is that we have decided to try to sell the house this summer. We are not going to get any money for it, and the goal really is to break even on it. That makes me feel a little bit better. Of course, actually, the J needs to be working and we need to have money in savings so that we can go to Home City this summer and clean the house out of our stuff–that’s going to take about a month. Seriously. Sigh.
I think I’m also going to cancel my noon class today and tomorrow morning’s class. I need the rest. I need the time to catch up. I need one morning to sleep in. I can trudge my way through the theory class this morning–and that one may even be cut short, too. But I’m so tired that I can barely function right now. And trying to teach through this is doing more harm than good at this point. The students aren’t getting what they need from me, and I haven’t been able to grade their work. I can’t focus on their writing, and since these are papers that they can revise (and probably about half along the two classes will want to), then I need to be able to focus on what they’re saying. And I can feel the beginning of a migraine–both from the knot in my neck and from the lack of sleep. And really, honestly, if I felt like I could, I’d cancel the theory class this morning as well.
This quarter just seems more overwhelming than last quarter, and I’m sure it’s the lack of sleep. Now it’s time to get ready to try to get something done in the early class.