On Turning 36…

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Today is my birthday!! Yay! I love Birthdays!! Especially my own!!

Last night we watched this. I know Stallone regrets making it, but it is freaking hilarious.Hil.ar.ious. I love the fact that he didn’t half ass the movie either. He committed to the role and followed through. It’s out of print. I had been looking for it for it literally two years on amazon and ebay. And then my sister, with her highly adept google skills, found it at some mom and pop video store in Wisconsin and ordered it for me for my bday! Now if someone will just buy me this, all will be right with the world.

Today I think we’re going to go see the Muppets, and the J is going to cook me dinner rather than going out (plus we ordered pizza for dinner last night because I felt like crap, it was cold, and rainy). And we broke ass peoples. But I’d rather him cook me a nice meal than to go out. I only have one class today, and one office hour today, so that’s nice. I do have some prep to do for tomorrow though, but not too much, which I should do now, but I can’t get that much done in 30 minutes–rather I’d rather not start on a theory essay and only get 20 minutes of reading done for it and have to stop and start. Plus, it’s my birthday, and I’m being a bit lazy about it this morning, too.

So today I’m the big 3-6. Yikes. I had much higher hopes for how I’d start this year, how I’d look and feel this year, and after my tirade a week ago on my New Year’s resolutions now, this is as good a beginning as any, right? I’ve had some problems with motivation this last week because I just have not been feeling well at all. It is mostly PMS, and this is probably TMI, but this has been a really painful one. I know exercise helps with cramps, but it’s hard to get motivated when you’re doubled over. And the cravings have been terrible, too. I have little willpower with PMS cravings. And the bloat is astronomical. Seriously. I’m so bloated that I look 3 months pregnant. (I’m not). This makes me uncomfortable because it makes my pants all too tight. LIke I’m 2 sizes bigger in the waist with this bloat.Even though the extra weight is bloat and water weight, the extra weight makes my joints hurt.

I hate getting old. And I haven’t slept well the past couple of nights because I’m bloated, stiff, sore, and riddled with cramps AND the Red Rocket has some sort of allergy which makes him chew and scratch and whine all night. I know the dude is miserable, too, but damn, I need my sleep!

I know it sounds like I’m complaining today, but I’m really not. The J and I are dangerously close to getting up early and running before I have to teach. Because we haven’t been getting sleep, it’s been hard, which means I have to run today when I get home; however, a.m. running is the goal now. I’m trying not to be depressed by how I feel about turning 36 though. I’ve been able to do a lot in the last couple of years except get myself together personally. So maybe that’s what I need to do. I’ve managed to pull myself together professionally. I managed to get the job I want. I’ve been productive to some degree in my research stuff–let me rephrase that–I’ve been steady and consistent with that since starting the new job. I am enjoying teaching again because my personality and my style work for my students here. It’s a good fit. So now that I have a good thing going with that, it’s time to a) obviously maintain that, I mean clearly, it’s not an option not to maintain that–it’s a long way to tenure; b) focus on myself. I feel like it’s now or never you know. It’s exhausting struggling with this.

I think I’ve written about this before, but I think one reason why I can’t just get to the point where I find myself worth taking care of is that I’m stuck in this past time. I’m stuck in 2004-05. That was a good year for me. It was also a shitty year and when I started gaining weight and when I perceive that things started to go downhill, and I keep trying to get back to the good part of that year. I’ve recreated it in my head as an ideal, and I have it built up that if I can just get back there, everything will be perfect. But I also suspect that I know that that’s not the case which is why I’ve not yet been able to get back to how I perceive I used to be. that was six years ago. I’ve wasted six years of my life trying to achieve this stupid fantasy. And so many good things that surpass all the positives of that year have happened since then. My life is in many ways so much better than it was in 04/05. So why? why? why? It’s time to let it go. To move forward, right? Instead of trying to get to an old place, I’ll shoot for something new and better.

And on that note, it’s time to get ready for class.

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