I know the light is at the end of the tunnel; I just can’t see it.


On Monday I felt like the week was impossibly long.

On Tuesday I thought, “woo hoo! It’s Thursday, thank god!” Oops.

Today I woke up feeling like it was Friday and smiled briefly until I realized that it was still only Wednesday which means that I have to teach students stuff today and tomorrow and I have a whole large stack of research essays (some of which were just started on yesterday! the horror awaits!) to come in tomorrow and another stack of essays on Friday. Now I want to just cry.

I should be doing everything but blogging right now, but my brain is not functioning yet. Last week was a great and productive week! This week, sigh, not so much. I’m utterly exhausted. I would say it’s from the miles I’ve been logging for my runs, but it’s not a physical exhaustion that I feel.That I can deal with. I could take a nap, go to bed early, wrap up in my snuggie on the couch and read until I pass out fall asleep. No. This is full on mental exhaustion. Naps don’t help. I have gotten two nights this week of solid 8 hour uninterrupted sleep, good restorative sleep, but I wake up feeling beat down and exhausted. Yesterday I was barely functioning. I haven’t read anything for this article due in two weeks since Monday, and that is really really slow going. I really don’t know why I thought I could do this in six weeks. I’ll be happy that I did when I finish it, but damn, no, right now I am not happy in the least that I agreed to such a short deadline, but want to redeem myself for missing the last one. (same journal, and as a result, there were no feature articles so because of myself and another person, there were no features and the journal was delayed–it’s a small small venue, but an important one). So yeah.

My brain feels like oatmeal. I think if I didn’t have this deadline looming, I’d feel better. I could function enough to give the quarter a strong finish, but it’s not happening. And the next couple of weeks will be one long family visit. Although it’s nice to have people coming to see me rather than the other way around. I’ll say that much.

I will say this though about this place–even though I’m exhausted and my brain feels like mush and I don’t really want to have to interact with anybody anymore and I just want to stay in my house alone for a week uninterrupted and read and run–while I feel this way, the one thing I don’t feel is demoralized and beat down. I just feel tired. WHile I could totally use a five week Christmas break and will miss that about my old job, I don’t feel like I *need* it just to keep from killing myself after the semester ends. I don’t think 13 days is really going to be enough time for me to get everything done that I need to before the start of the winter quarter; however I do think it will be adequate time to recharge my batteries so to speak. And I don’t feel like I need five weeks to hide and get the fuck out of dodge. So that’s something, right?

So, on that note, I’m going to give today’s reading a quick skim just in case they want to discuss it (it’s short–like 4 pages, if that long), because I’m going to give them the option of working on their essays due Friday or discussing the text that way I can answer questions about the papers and won’t have to meet with them outside of my office hours. And it will give me a bit more time to grade and not teach.I am lazy and tired.

Also, the J has been out of town for a week. It is actually a significant help to have him around to deal with the dogs in the morning. I mean, it really does give me like an extra 30 minutes. I’m able to eat breakfast when he’s around to help. This last week during the week? Not so much. That’s probably part of the problem. But he’s supposed to be home tomorrow night, for good for real this time. And seriously, that day can’t come soon enough.


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