Well, so I’m mostly over myself and my embarrassment I guess. I got some good ribbing last night for my drunkenness last week, so that actually made me feel a little bit better because I’m tired of being embarrassed for that and feeling bad about myself but I’m sensitive, so, you know.
And I took down my whiney part of my post yesterday. Seriously, I feel like a tool. I still don’t think the person actually likes me, but I will not hold it against this person at all.
I feel better today because I got a good night’s sleep last night. Of course,naturally, the morning that I don’t have to get up and teach and the Red Rocket decides that’s the night he’s going to sleep in his bed the entire night. Rotten mutt. But that’s okay. It’s important to get a good night’s sleep on a Friday night so that the weekend can go well. And maybe I slept well last night because I actually ran yesterday. Nine days ago I felt confident about the beginning of the marathon training. Yesterday that confidence was very low.
I am actually still quite down on myself. And I did even go for a run yesterday. But the run wasn’t a good run. And my leg hurt because I hadn’t run in 8 days. So what did I expect. I suspect though that after a few days of consisten exercise I’ll be feeling better. It’s actually really hard to describe how I feel right now. I’m not sure I’d describe it as depressed. That doesn’t feel like the right term. Even though I am feeling down, it’s still not the same as feeling depressed, or at least not so for me. And maybe I actually am suffering a bit of a bought of depression. Maybe that’s why my whole body aches right now, even though I’m over the hip issue and I’m over the hangover. It is possible that’s why I’ve had a stomach ache the last couple of days. Maybe I’m not recognizing it for what it is at this moment. But I don’t *feel* depressed like how I felt in the past. So perhaps I actually am but in a different way? I mean, I didn’t get any work done at all yesterday in my office because I just wanted to sit there and cry. and I couldn’t focus. And the run didn’t have the immediate uplifting effect it normally does. I feel left out and unloved. Left out of what? I don’t know. Unloved by whom? I don’t know.
And now that I’m thinking about it, I’m sorta down again. Perhaps because it’s a bit rainy and chilly outside. Perhaps it *is* because I haven’t worked out and have been eating like crap all week. I know there’s a whole connection there among mind, body, and spirit. So maybe I’m just really out of balance. And it’s going to take more than a day or two to restore that balance, so I guess I need to just hang in there.
I think on the day’s agenda is to clean, straighten the office and the kitchen, grade, and try to do some of my own work today, or I prep for the week so that I can spend tomorrow working on my little article due in five weeks. It needs to be near perfect out of the gate this time around because there’s hardly any leeway or editing time, and I don’t want two fuck ups in a row for this editor, even though the last one was fixable. Total million dollar idea in a five cent box.
Have a great Saturday all!