Keep on Trying…


I find it no small coincidence that as yesterday marked the one month anniversary since my car accident that yesterday was the day of my biggest meltdown in months. I actually didn’t realize that it had been one month to the day until my third gin and tonic for with dinner what day it was. Yesterday was another day of not being able to focus, again, I’m sure it has nothing at all to do with the mass amounts of ice cream, sugar, dairy, caffeine, etc., that I consumed all weekend. :/ But the day started off ok. I got the bills spreadsheet set up through December. While I don’t know what the utilities here will be, I tried to estimate on the high end. It turns out that the cable “deposit” that I had to put down when they did the cable, phone, and internet was really the first month’s bill, so all I owe on that until Oct. is $2. Then the J called to tell me that the title company is paying the back taxes on the house in Home City (did I tell you guys about that? If not, remind me to), and that they are going to track down the “official” owner of the land and get us the proper deed. So yes, that saves another $300 and we get the land that is rightfully ours, and since the J apparently has title insurance, the title company does this for free.

Now I am able to give my parents some money by tomorrow, a couple of hundred more than I had anticipated.

So all right. Then the bottom falls out. Someone from the management company from the apartment complex in Fancy Town emails me to let me know that she halted the August rent from going into collections and wants to know when we are going to pay it and if I would like her to contact my father (his name is on the lease, too, as he helped us pass the credit check for the apartment). What?? Yes, I know in the lease it says that I’m responsible for the rent through the lease; however, when we said we were moving out of town, we were led to believe that this was an acceptable reason to break the lease and that there would not be a penalty. And my conversations with this woman up until this point indicated as much, too, as she never said either that we were still on the hook for it. Legally, yes, I know they have every right to collect the remainder rent and that legally we don’t have a leg to stand on, but it’s super douchey, and I’ve never been penalized for breaking a lease to move out of state because to me, it seems unreasonable to think that one’s job search or education should be limited to the terms of one’s lease. Look, I know if we had a house, we’d be obligated to continue to pay the mortgage even if we moved out of state, but this seems different to me. But since I mentioned that the J’s move from the apartment is related to his orders to work in Home City, she seems to be willing to work with this. And if not, then she seems to be willing to let us pay it off in installments, though ideally, I don’t think we should have to pay the August rent. The other thing that chaps my hide about it is that they are charging us $150 to clean the apartment. We cleaned the apartment before we left. And I’ve never been in an apartment where the management company has not brought in their own cleaners before another person moved in. And I paid $700 in pet deposits which is for the carpet cleaning after we leave, so really? That pisses me off.

As I type this out, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal right now. But yesterday, I felt like the world was ending. I was so angry that I was crying and shaking, and I could hardly speak. That was it. That was the last straw. And then there was this huge storm and I had to give both the dogs benedryl, and then the Divine Miss T peed on my laundry bag of *clean* clothes, mind you (and I have no washer or dryer yet), and then that sent me over the edge all over again. The J says it will all work out. Super Fabulous Awesome (Former) Colleague assured me that in a year from now I won’t even remember this, and they are both right, but yesterday, it was too much to handle. I yelled at Miss T for peeing on my clothes. I woke up this morning in tears. And then I went to lay on Miss T to snuggle with her and she was laying awkwardly on my stuffed animal (yes, I *still* sleep with a stuffed animal, the same one since I was 17, which sounds even more pathetic), and when I laid next to her, I pushed her shoulder in the wrong direction and she started to cry. Sigh. She’s okay, but that made the tears just flow even more.

Look, again, as I type this, I know it sounds like I’m a giant baby, and I’m a little bit embarrassed actually for reacting the way I did. But this last month has just been too much. Actually the last seven weeks, if you count the Home City house issue, have just been too much. I know intellectually that things could be worse. I mean, there could have been a real tragedy with the car accident (which haunts me actually–I think often about what I could have done differently, what I should have done differently, what could have happened if things had been different–irrational, I know, but it bothers me), and there wasn’t, and nothing that has happened this summer has been a tragedy, but yesterday, it just felt like the world was ending. I feel like the universe is punishing me, and I can’t figure out why. Maybe if I got my shit together it wouldn’t keep throwing me curve balls to keep fucking with stuff. And compounding the stress is always in the back of my mind that the longer the finances are screwed up, the longer the J has to work in Home City and can’t move here, the longer his school is delayed, the longer our lives are on hold (again).

This is just exhausting, and I need to find a way to run in the mornings before it gets so hot. I gotta start over again somewhere.

I guess I’m going to give today another shot. In the wise words of Poco, I guess there’s “nothing I can do/But I’m gonna keep on trying…”


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