Contemplating all the things I’m not doing right

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Well, I accomplished a lot yesterday, but none of which was related to the book chapter. And I didn’t run either (as I believe I stated yesterday). I did manage to get two of the four empty classes at Fancy Town U filled, two of the more difficult ones, so that’s a relief. And I feel fine with not doing a formal interview for it because the person is friends with the former writing director who would have hired her, so that’s good enough for me at this point. (And even if I weren’t leaving in a couple of weeks, I still would have hired her). I also finally got an L.O.R. done–it wasn’t due until November, but at least that monkey is off my back.

*Negativity POOF*

I had decided before Sisyphus posted a comment below about beating myself up that I would poof the post. Why? Because I feel better after my run. And because Sisyphus is correct–it’s a negative downward spiral, and the negative vibe in the post is not going to help me get stuff done.

The plan was to go to a coffee house and work. Right now, since I’m not being a Negative Nancy anymore, going to a coffee house right now feels like more effort than it’s worth to be honest. And I’m multi-tasking right now by eating and typing at the same time. It’s better than eating in front of the t.v. because if I do that, it will turn into a three hour t.v. watching marathon. And I don’t want that to happen again.

So the plan for the day is basically still the same, just sans coffee house. Now that I’ve gotten two of the classes filled, I don’t have to check my work email all day waiting to hear back from this person. And my boss already knows that I’ve gotten that business taken care of, so I won’t be hearing from him, or rather I shouldn’t be hearing from him, so I don’t have to worry about that. So while yesterday I was supposed to feel guilt free about working and not checking emails, I obsessively checked my email waiting to hear back from the person I just hired for sure. So I am going to force myself, once I move away from the computer, not to check my work email on my phone until 5 pm. At that point, if anything comes up, I can have a beer and deal with it. And will have the satisfaction of knowing that I worked on my own stuff all day. The only other non book chapter immediate thing causing me anxiety right now is getting a cheap flight for the J booked (I found one, but it involves me asking the parents for more $ and he has to switch a doctor’s appointment at the VA, both of which are anxiety producing scenarios), but as I can’t do anything about it at the moment, I’ll try not to think about it.

So, here’s the new basic plan. Read the theory stuff I need to read all afternoon until 5 pm. Have a nice dinner. Have a beer. Figure out some sort of basic plan–including precisely what needs to be read (rather than “read for 2 hours”)–I need to figure out what exactly I need to make sure I read for this thing (it’s just been vague, “oh, this might help” and that’s part of the problem I think). And then I’d like to work on rereading the primary text for about an hour in bed tonight and go to bed early and not stay up and watch the t.v.

Tomorrow I will run, finish the six tedious annoying things on my to do list, contact some applicants to try to get the other two classes filled, and then repeat tomorrow afternoon this afternoon’s plan. I feel better about the short term now. I can relax, or rather focus on the book chapter that is.

All right. I’m off to attempt to make a stab at being productive and making progress on this chapter.

ETA: Mom and Dad came through and we got the flight, so one less thing to worry about.

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3 responses »

  1. Stop beating yourself up! Making yourself feel like crap doesn’t help; doing something on your list helps! (And the more you get down on yourself, the more likely you are to spiral down into a long chain of doing bad or unproductive things, since you have already decided you “are a bad person.” Break the cycle!)

    Having said that, I know it’s way hard and maybe requires outside help to change a habit of verbally beating yourself up.

    Either way, hang in there! You shall be victorious! Go kick that chapter’s ass!!!!!

  2. If only negativity could just be poofed by typing that in to the computer!

    Jeez, if only grading could be poofed by typing that in to the computer!!!!

    I can hope.

  3. But it can! That’s the beauty of it!! I felt instantly better the moment I *poofed* the negativity!! šŸ™‚

    Although I don’t think it’s going to work with the grading though. But blog some negativeness and then poof it. It works wonders. ;0

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