A Helluva Time Right Now, or Just Too Much to Think About!

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Oy. So I’m having a helluva time right now. The big thing I can’t tell you about yet has my mind all aflutter, and I’m having a difficult time concentrating on the things I need to be focusing on right now. I don’t feel like the research for the book chapter I have to have written by August 5th is going well at all. I’m not retaining anything, nor do I feel like I even have any sort of grasp on the material, even though it’s related sorta to the theory I used for my diss. But right now, it seems alien. A few weeks ago I couldn’t concentrate because of the stress of waiting to see if the “big thing” was going to happen, thinking it was all lost, and now I can’t concentrate because I can’t announce or make it official yet. A truly fucked up catch-22 it is! (Sorry, I don’t mean to be a tease about it, really). The J has done everything this week BUT look for a summer job and call the people he needs to about a summer job, and it’s starting to stress me out because we’ll need that money soon. I just got us back into the black, and I’d like to stay there. But I don’t want to be a constant bitch about it, and I know that even though he knows better, it probably does seem to him like I am sitting around doing nothing (even though I still get a paycheck for it). But I know that I’m working hard because by about 5pm, I’m usually exhausted and starving. I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to work all summer either, and to be fair, he did just get back from three weeks of working in Germany, and I don’t want to make him sound like a loaf–he has been working, but that job is done, and I know, I just sound totally fucking bitchy about it.

Because I had to go out of town on Sunday (I will tell you about that trip at another time–flight delays, exhaustion), Operation Extreme Summer Fitness has been put on hold. Or rather had been put on hold. Now I have to start over because the trip, while good, nay even great, seriously messed up my schedule and I’m back to square one. There was no chance whatsoever to work out while I was gone. But I need to get back on track because a) I felt soooooooooooo much better, and b) it so helped my afternoon focus for reading, and c) I started to lose weight immediately and just was starting to feel great. However, I will now be traveling more this summer than I had planned which is really going to test my ability to stay committed to this and focused and get the book chapter done by the timeline. On the one hand, while I’m feeling overjoyed about some things, the pressure and complications of those things has me a bit stressed. (Not to mention that I think there’s a little bit of some PMS action happening here, too which blows, and it’s making me feel all down about myself–like body image stuff, but whatever).

I’m going to give myself the rest of the weekend to sort of recoup and recover, stress out, nap, whatever. Try to finish at least one of the books I’ve started for this damn chapter, and hope that I can get in two solid weeks of work and working out before I have to travel again.

Because as you know I’m fond of plans, here’s the plan:

This weekend:

  • Finish the one book
  • write for at least 15 minutes about said book Saturday afternoon
  • make headway on other book
  • go for a run tomorrow
Starting Monday:
  • before opening computer, before making coffee, re-initiate Operation Extreme Summer Fitness during the a.m.s
  • eat, shower, coffee
  • read for a couple of hours before lunch
  • lunch
  • work for the rest of the afternoon
I think I will make Saturdays a half day and Sundays my off day. We will give this a go this week, and I’ll report my progress. It seems like a tight schedule, but I really need that right now if I’m going to get any damn thing done. And if people are home to bother me, I will pack up my shit and go elsewhere. There.
Now, since I’ve been dicking around for the last 2.5 hours already, I’m going to get to work.
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2 responses »

  1. If you’re having trouble retaining things after you read, then I’d suggest keeping a running journal/annotated bib of your reading. This is not my idea, of course, but comes from Super Awesome Wonder Scholar at Grad City University (who is no longer there but rose through the ranks to full so fast it made my head swim), who said that after reading no more than 5 books for comps, I should write, putting things together. Of course, since my comps required an annotated bib, I wrote after every book or, if the book was really interesting, after every section, chapter, bit that was cool.

    I still do this because now I can’t keep what I’ve thought in my head, since any day is always stretched among a zillion different things. Just crap writing, of course, but it does help me do the processing that I need to do in order to process ideas and come up with arguments. (I need more of this actually since I don’t have the opportunity to talk over and develop ideas with anyone.) I recommend it, especially if you’re distracted because of great news.

    Here’s something I learned in Grad School Part 1, with the help of a professor and an award. I got an award for my writing and I really thought that getting it would help me with my base confidence, so that the next time I was faced with the blank page, it would be easier. But instead I was super-distracted and couldn’t sit still enough to write. When I said all this to a professor, zie said that I should give it a week or so because I just got the award. I learned from all this that good things are just as distracting as the bad things. Writing is the practice — and all publishing news, for example, distracts one from the practice. I’ve found this to be SO true over the years. So your super-awesome electric news? As great as it is, it’s not surprising to me that you’re distracted!

  2. Great plan for the next few days. You can do it! (Picture Rob Schneider’s character cheering on Bobby Boucher (sp?) in The Waterboy right now if you’ve seen that movie. Because it always makes me laugh the way he says that, plus it’s motivational.)

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