Oy. So I’m having a helluva time right now. The big thing I can’t tell you about yet has my mind all aflutter, and I’m having a difficult time concentrating on the things I need to be focusing on right now. I don’t feel like the research for the book chapter I have to have written by August 5th is going well at all. I’m not retaining anything, nor do I feel like I even have any sort of grasp on the material, even though it’s related sorta to the theory I used for my diss. But right now, it seems alien. A few weeks ago I couldn’t concentrate because of the stress of waiting to see if the “big thing” was going to happen, thinking it was all lost, and now I can’t concentrate because I can’t announce or make it official yet. A truly fucked up catch-22 it is! (Sorry, I don’t mean to be a tease about it, really). The J has done everything this week BUT look for a summer job and call the people he needs to about a summer job, and it’s starting to stress me out because we’ll need that money soon. I just got us back into the black, and I’d like to stay there. But I don’t want to be a constant bitch about it, and I know that even though he knows better, it probably does seem to him like I am sitting around doing nothing (even though I still get a paycheck for it). But I know that I’m working hard because by about 5pm, I’m usually exhausted and starving. I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to work all summer either, and to be fair, he did just get back from three weeks of working in Germany, and I don’t want to make him sound like a loaf–he has been working, but that job is done, and I know, I just sound totally fucking bitchy about it.
Because I had to go out of town on Sunday (I will tell you about that trip at another time–flight delays, exhaustion), Operation Extreme Summer Fitness has been put on hold. Or rather had been put on hold. Now I have to start over because the trip, while good, nay even great, seriously messed up my schedule and I’m back to square one. There was no chance whatsoever to work out while I was gone. But I need to get back on track because a) I felt soooooooooooo much better, and b) it so helped my afternoon focus for reading, and c) I started to lose weight immediately and just was starting to feel great. However, I will now be traveling more this summer than I had planned which is really going to test my ability to stay committed to this and focused and get the book chapter done by the timeline. On the one hand, while I’m feeling overjoyed about some things, the pressure and complications of those things has me a bit stressed. (Not to mention that I think there’s a little bit of some PMS action happening here, too which blows, and it’s making me feel all down about myself–like body image stuff, but whatever).
I’m going to give myself the rest of the weekend to sort of recoup and recover, stress out, nap, whatever. Try to finish at least one of the books I’ve started for this damn chapter, and hope that I can get in two solid weeks of work and working out before I have to travel again.
Because as you know I’m fond of plans, here’s the plan:
- Finish the one book
- write for at least 15 minutes about said book Saturday afternoon
- make headway on other book
- go for a run tomorrow
- before opening computer, before making coffee, re-initiate Operation Extreme Summer Fitness during the a.m.s
- eat, shower, coffee
- read for a couple of hours before lunch
- work for the rest of the afternoon