This morning is one of those mornings where I need to give myself a pep talk. I’m feeling really down about myself lately, as I’ve indicated.

Before I get into that, it looks like the J’s big job is not really going to go because he’ll get back from Germany too late. However, because of all the weather/tornado stuff and the rain and the problems with the Mississippi River, it looks likes the J’s unit is going to be called up to help with the flooding situations and such. He’ll be about an hour to an hour and a half away, so I think he will get to commute if they are called up for that. It won’t pay as well as the job we were hoping for; however, it will pay like a full-time regular job. And it looks like it could be 4-8 weeks of steady employment. And the promise of a paycheck on his end actually really really helps me not worry so much about the money and helps me to focus on what I need to focus on. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Fortunately the money that he’s making in Germany will be enough for me to catch up on the bills, get back in the black, and put something back into savings. I really start to freak out, heavily, when our savings get low. That’s when my stomach ties up, when I feel like barfing all of the time, and when the stress so increases the cortisol production that my stomach starts to look distended. But doing disaster relief like this is the whole reason that the J joined the guard, so I know he likes to do work in that kind of capacity.

Six months ago I started with the WW. Yeah, six months later, and I’ve decided that it’s not for me. I know it works really really well for some people, but my problem is that I’ve figured out how to cheat–yup, it’s possible, and what keeps happening is that I do great for two weeks, as in I see weight loss, then because I know how to cheat but stay within my points, I eat shitty and start to gain, so clearly it’s not something that motivates me to make any changes. Back to the drawing board.

Actually, the problem is too that I know what I need to do. I know how to do it. If I can’t do it right this attempt, then I’ll give the WW another shot. I am just daunted by the task ahead of me, both with the fitness and with the academic related stuff that needs to be done this summer as well.

One of the problems is that I need to spend more time outside. Yes, I feel this is a real problem for me. We have a covered porch area that is actually really like 20 degrees cooler than in the sun. And I have extension cords, so I can bring a fan out there is necessary. And I just bought some seat cushions yesterday, so I’m set. And I have a blanket for the dogs to lay on, too, if they so desire.

One of the other problems, or concerns/thing that makes me nervous, is that this is a key time–I’ve been off my meds for six months. I’m starting to feel it, and I think I’m starting to feel it because of the stress and due to the fact that I actually have time to work which oddly stresses me out much more than not having time to work. If I’ve got things that I have to do, stuff on my plate that are immediate–teaching, grading, administrative work, places to be, while I’m stressed and anxious, I am too busy to be depressed. I have little down time. Right now, all I have is down time it feels like. I need to get myself to the point where I treat all this time like it’s still my job. I am actually still getting paid. I think if I just get myself outside, that might help because I won’t be on the couch working. And if the J is going to be gone during the days and if the Roommate is getting lots of work, too (which even if he doesn’t, that’s another reason to spend time outside–I won’t have him as a distraction or have to ask him to turn his video games off), then what’s my problem? I can do this. So I’ve got to focus on taking care of myself, and a large part of that is working on the stress, which honestly is going to be relieved through exercise.

I feel like a moron often because I have to constantly be reminded of things in order to stay motivated and on track. It takes a very long time for me for things to become a habit (though they say it’s 28 days, and perhaps that’s true–that is a long time for a habit to develop–unfortunately, it only takes 3 days to undo), and that’s daunting, too, and takes work. and I just feel daunted by everything right now, though I’m not sure why. I have time to relax and do what I need to do and few people to bother me right now. I sleep better at night when I cook for myself and knock out the chocolate snack after dinner. I eat more when I spend all day in front of the t.v. I eat less when I read all day. I feel better after I work out. I know this is boring for you, and common sense, but I need to remind myself.

I think what I might need to do is look at this coming academic year like a sport. Preparation and conditioning during the off season is crucial to the season, so maybe that’s how I need to look at it. I don’t know. I have a lot on my mind. And all of this is nothing new.

And as if I don’t have enough that I want to do this summer, I think what I’d also like to do is start going through the stuff at the house. I need to simplify, clear out some junk. I need to get rid of some clothes that I’ve just been hanging on to for sentimental reasons, and stuff like that, knowing that I have all of this stuff stored somewhere, even if it’s not in my way, makes me feel cluttered. So I’ve got to start letting some stuff go. And when I go back to Fancy Town this summer, I’ll start doing the same thing up there. I just have too much stuff. Much of it is stuff that can be donated. I think it’s time to change my style, too. I need to simplify. Let go. this includes going through my make-up, too. and knowing that I want to do that makes me feel a little bit better, too.

That being said, I need to get going on with my day.

sorry that my posts have been so down and lame lately and depressing. I’m hoping that soon I’ll be reporting some positive things. and it’s summer, and I go through this every summer, don’t I? Cleansing goals. Writing goals. Fitness goals. I just have to keep telling myself that even if I have to keep starting over, I’m still headed in the right direction right?

ETA: This is to remind myself how good I feel right now after my workout and how much more possible my day now seems.


2 responses »

  1. You know what amazes me? That we ever get any scholarship done at all. It occurs to me how difficult it is to participate in a scholarly conversation — especially when it sometimes feels SO fraught, as it’s caught up in our feelings of self-worth, not to mention tenure and promotion — if one doesn’t actually HAVE a supportive but smart community to participate in. Do you have a scholarly community for yourself in Home City? If so, I’d say get up and go have a great conversation about your scholarship with someone. Also, read some scholarship that is stimulating. It’s easier to write and research when inspired, don’t you think?

    Now, though I have my colleagues, I don’t feel like I have much community around my scholarship at my Uni. Why is that? Because the people in my field focus on very different parts of the field. This makes sense when you’ve got such a small uni — why would there be much overlap? But it does make it difficult to have the kind of productive and inspiring conversations that make it easier to go home and write! And when scholarship is so fraught (imposter syndrome), I think it’s important to think through these issues. Perhaps especially when one has a non-academic partner. When you’ve got a non-academic partner, the home place is not de facto scholarly. When I’m home, like today (we can always waste some time on the phone!), I have to build up a lot of energy or panic (same thing) to get myself to focus on scholarship or even teaching. There are so many other things vying for my attention.

    I’m also trying to get myself to exercise. I just feel really not healthy. We could do an accountability thing this summer.

  2. My Super Awesome Fabulous Colleague is my scholarship community in Fancy Town. In Home City, the only person I can think of is my nemesis, and I’m not really willing to reach out to hir, yet. So, it’s me, my blog, you guys out there on the blog, email, and phone.

    You always have good advice for me. I wish I had advice to help you. I can’t imagine trying to get anything done with a toddler and scant childcare. I think though at this point, for the both of us, it has to be about consistency. I’m sure carving out even 30 minutes a day for yourself is hard, but start small. That’s what I’m trying to do. And you need to exercise. Find something you like. 20-30 minutes a day is not going to help with weightloss that much, but you’ll be amazed at how much better you feel. There is also a lot of benefit to two 15 minute workouts a day. A 15 minute walk in the morning and a 15 minute walk in the evening. Put the tot in a stroller and take him out with you. Make that your bonding time with him? what do I know? I don’t have kids. But I will tell you that I feel 200% better right now because I worked out than I felt three hours ago. Like I feel that what I need to get done today can actually be accomplished. And I don’t feel exhausted or sorry for myself.

    The P90X guy just recently posted on FB–write down how you feel when you don’t feel like working out and don’t. Next time you don’t feel like working out and you do, write down how you feel then. And you’ll probably always feel better about yourself after the workout. Not that I’m saying do P90X, but that you know you’ll feel better if you get moving. šŸ™‚

    I’m down with some accountability thing this summer. It worked for us when we were on the job market, right?

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