Meh, Blerg, Sigh, and Other Words to Indicate My Anxiety and Stress

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Well, the good news is that I made it to Home City without a hitch. I did the trip in one shot in 19 hours. I got all of the laundry done Saturday morning, and I’ve done some reading. The bad news is: I’m exhausted and I’ve only done “some” reading for that conference paper.

I’m very stressed. Like I cried myself to sleep last night. The J is in Germany, and his being gone adds to my stress. I have gained about 8 pounds since Easter, and I can’t get the scale to budge because I am that stressed. Look, this is how much of an impact that the stress is having on my body–I’m over a week late. And no, I’m not pregnant. I’ve been obnoxious and have taken two tests, neither of which had to “think” very long and immediately came back negative (it said, “could take up to three minutes”). So, really, honestly, given the financial situation, while we want kids, thank god that came back “no.” I was really sweating it. Although the cortisol production right now is so high that to look at me, well, I can’t see any of the J’s family until this bloat and stress goes away because none of them would believe, just by looking at my bloated midsection, that I was indeed not pregnant. Unfortunately, I know the trigger of this stress, and unless I hear something by Wednesday, it’s not likely to abate by then. In which case, should the news I receive be a negative, it means my summer just got a whole helluva lot busier and that many plans must be put on hold for at least another year. This has me really stressed and really sad.

Unless the J gets the well paying summer job he was hoping for, it does not look like we’ll be able to move out of our apartment like we had planned because we are now broke (which is of course another large part of my stress). I feel like I’m in limbo here right now, like my life, and it’s really stressful. And what does my broke ass do? She leaves her “conference” clothes in Fancy Town. Yup. I brought a dress to Home City with me, but the bloat and the physical discomfort of my stress (look, I know once I actually get my period that my belly will go down) makes me not want to have to spend any length of time in a professional-type like dress. I may still try it on to see, but I just don’t see myself being comfortable in it. So, yesterday, I found a great sale and bought two shirts and some dress capris. I also bought a bunch of other stuff, most of which will be returned tomorrow though because a) I don’t need it, and b) I bought it just for the physical act of making a purchase. And the things I am returning are things that I would probably only wear this weekend, so I may as well bring them back. I could use the money more than I could use a cute tank top. Plus, I have a ton of cute tank tops already, I don’t need another. (However, any of you who need dress capris or nice shorts? The Limited is having a 40% off sale on those items, so if you’re broke and need stuff, there ya go).

One of my ex-boyfriends will be at the conference this weekend. Actually, he is the ex-boyfriend from all throughout my Ph.D. program. He won’t be there for long though. He’s only allowed (and I do mean “allowed”) to go to this conference every other year because this year it’s in Beantown and he can drive to it (since he lives in the outskirts of said town), and he is only allowed to go to his panel and then he has to go home–per his wife, and really for the reason that she wants to minimize his chances of running into me. True story. She lives under the delusion that I actually want to try to steal him away from her. Seriously. And I think she believes that he still loves me (maybe he does; I would if I were married to her) and, of course, obviously that I still love him (which, um no–anyone who knows him and knows the J knows that I would never ever in a million years and not even if the ex-b had 80 million dollars leave the J for the ex-b), and that we’ll meet at a conference and then run-off together. She’s nuts. However, it would be interesting to see him again, although he has gotten so fucking full of himself, it’s unbelievable. I mean, his job is maybe like 1/2 a step better than mine, but he thinks that he has done what no one else has, gotten tenure in academia. Puh-leese. A lot of really dumb unimaginative people get tenure all of the time. You ain’t special. And your wife’s a bore with bad taste in music. Anyway, that might be interesting if I bump into him. One of his colleagues, whom I’ve met (and is lovely; I have his book), is on my boss’s panel.

Ah, a little ex-b bashing has really lightened my spirits this morning. I needed that.

Although it means that I’m not going to be able to get out and run until the heat of the day, I am not going to do anything this morning until I finish (or at least get within 50 pages of the end) of one of the books I need to read for this conference paper. Then I will workout, then I will do some writing. Then I will update you of my progress.

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3 responses »

  1. I hope you’re not driving from Home City to the conference! That would be a huge amount of time and stress.

    And did you have any weather troubles in Home City? I hope everything’s ok. I don’t remember exactly where you are and I wasn’t watching the news, just overheard on the radio, so I don’t exactly know where the problems are.

    Good luck on your paper!

  2. No, with the cost of gas and parking in Beantown, I’m flying from Home City out there. No weather troubles here, thanks for asking. The major storm to which you are referring hit a few hours south of here. The J has some friends in his unit who are from there, but all of their peoples have been accounted for. I think the death toll was relatively low for the damage it did, which that there is a death toll is sad in and of itself.

    I’m going to need all the luck I can get!

  3. Strike that. The death toll has more than quadrupled in the last 12 hours, so I retract my earlier statement. I was working off the numbers from Sunday night–24, which is very low, especially considering that the number has risen to 116, and they are doing another sweep today.

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