Still Not Done Yet

Standard

So graduation is over, but I still have placement exams to read and evaluate (like over 100 I think? Blerg.), and I have a program assessment to write, too. The J leaves on Monday to go to Home City. I won’t be getting there until Friday because of the stuff I have to finish up here. He’s taking the mutts with him, so I’m really going to be home alone. I have  a lot of stuff to do in the time he’s going to be gone and the time I have to leave to get to Home City, and I hope it’s not like the last time he went away for drill and I shut down because I’m depressed that he’s gone, along with the mutts. But there’s too much to do that really has to get done, so I don’t have a choice. Perhaps I can make myself so busy that I don’t have time to even think about the fact that I’m alone.**

I’ve got to, at some point this summer, find another apartment because we need to get out of this place, especially if the J is going to have to go to school five days a week and our schedules don’t allow for carpooling at all, we’re looking at a lot of money in tolls just to get home from school. Not to mention how much it’s going to cost us in gas taking two cars back and forth to campus from where we are now, which isn’t that far, but two cars 4-5 days a week, is far enough. We need to be closer.

I have an extremely busy summer ahead. Busier than when I was trying to finish the diss and working full time. But hopefully all the things I have going on will work out. I’m already a bundle of nerves and I’m trying to take all this summer work in stride, especially with the traveling and trying to find a new place, but we’ll see. Hopefully it will all work out.

This might sound really super negative, but you know what I’m looking forward to by getting out of here for a while? Not going to the gym. I love my trainer. Scratch that. I ADORE my trainer. She is one of my best friends here. We hang out with her and her fiance’. We’re actually going over to their place tomorrow to have Sunday dinner with them and her fiance’s mother (whom I also adore, and for whom I am apparently her hairstyle model as apparently I am very fashion-forward with the over 80 crowd), but the last couple of weeks being out of town and some miscommunication (and then an early morning text today “can you be here at 11?”) has me a bit burned out. I’ve been working with a trainer fairly consistently for the last 4 years. Yup, and I still look like I do. I’ve gotten a lot stronger, but I just can’t commit to the diet aspect of changing my lifestyle. I need to because I need to drop about 15 pounds for running, but I am just not willing to give a couple of things up, and it’s just too much during the semester to try to do anything new, at least for me, and it causes more stress than I need. And it’s only taken me how long to figure this out? But just when I think I have a class schedule or something during the semester that I think will be conducive to what I want to accomplish, it turns out no. And I haven’t figured out what that schedule needs to look like yet. I try something different every semester, and I haven’t hit on it. So I think what I have to do is try to get this off during the summer and just focus on maintaining during the school year. So I have what, nearly four months over the summer? That’s 1 pound a week to hit my goal by the end of summer and then just maintain during the school year? So we’re going to give that a try.

How to do this without the trainer? Well, what I want to do, if the J gets a job over the summer, is to join this Krav Maga center in Home City that has a 10 week program, unlimited classes, and I think the boot camp classes are included in that. I really want to check that out. Failing that plan, I will simply just do the P90X and/or Insanity home workouts. and keep running. I really have everything I need for either one of them in Home City, so that requires no expense, which given that we have to move this summer, even though the Krav Maga is super reasonable (like obnoxiously so for what it offers), that might be money that we need to save anyway. Sigh. However, while either of these options requires a level of commitment that I cannot muster during the semester and both are counterintuitive to my desire to not be on a schedule and do what I want when I want to, in my head, this seems more like a plan rather than a schedule. And I just feel like right now the only reason I show up at the gym is simply to lose weight, and that’s not working for my motivation. I need something that makes me feel strong, tough. And going to the gym doesn’t do that for me right now. So, I definitely need the change this summer. I need to find out if there’s a way I can suspend our membership or something over the summer since we’ll both be gone.

Meh, I just feel sorta whiney this morning. It’s cloudy and a bit rainy. I woke up when the sun came up, but apparently I don’t know how to tell time because I thought it was 7:00 and it was really 6:00. If I had paid better attention I would have just stayed in bed longer. So I guess I’ll take out the dogs and like read or something until it’s time to meet my trainer. I’m a bit at a loss because nothing is immediate. I mean, I have a conference paper to finish in a week and a half, but it’s not due Monday or anything. It’s still pressing, but I’ve been so used to everything needing to be done immediately that I feel a little lost this morning. I guess it’s time to start the summer work, and why the hell not do it right away, right?

**Yes, I know it probably sounds creepy and a bit dependent for me to get so much in a funk every time the J leaves, but honestly, I think I have a little ptsd here when he leaves because when he goes, it’s for military related stuff. Granted, it’s drill and not Afghanistan, but I associate his being gone with his being *gone*, and it’s really taken me longer to get over it than I had anticipated. It seems weird to me that I still feel that way, but I guess truth be told, he hasn’t even been home for a year yet.

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One response »

  1. I’m rooting for you finding a new place that you can paint funky colors! All of the decorating pleasure for me, with none of the work or the angry management company!

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