Less bitter and mean, for the moment

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I think EE may be on to something in the comment on the previous post. Have I ignored the obvious? Is my vile attitude a super intense bout of PMS? I am embarrassed for my manic mood swings lately. And perhaps it’s also sleep related, still? I took a nap and felt better afterward.

But that doesn’t change the lack of progress regarding my research. Nor does it change my desire for the semester to be over.

And I find myself looking at and fantasizing about homes 1000 miles away which is pointless and unproductive and total escapism involving my winning a huge lottery of some kind. And I think it’s total escapism, too, my obsession of late in trying to figure out what novels I want to teach next spring. Sure, it’s good to be forward looking, but I recognize that it comes from a complete and utter lack of desire to face what’s in front of me at this moment.

I hate to say it again that I wish the semester were already over. I’m tired. I know everyone else is , too, so I apologize for making it worse for all of us by complaining and being so whiny. And by semester being over, I mean to include the faculty retreat and graduation. I’m ready to get home to my house for the summer where it will be unbearably hot and miserable, and I look forward to every sweltering minute of it, especially now that we have a new AC at the house.

Perhaps what is indeed so exhausting is knowing that my weekends must be chock full of work from now until the end of May as well. I’m sure I will have to put in some time during the weekends over the summer in order to stay on schedule, but it won’t be the same–not nearly as much. Plus, in theory, I should be able to accomplish more during the week while the husband is at work (please let him be employed over the summer), so I can relax on the weekend? Maybe. Of course nothing ever works out like it should.

Perhaps that’s the problem–once again the semester did not work out the way it should No goals were met either personally or professionally and now that the end of the semester is near I’m confronted with that cold, painful fact and must once again expend energy regrouping (rather than continuing working), come up with yet another plan, and try yet again. What is wrong with me that I can’t just do the things that I need to do? I mean, if I keep this up, I’m going to be 65 saying the same damn thing, and what a horribly depressing way to spend the next 30 years.

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5 responses »

  1. You know what? I bet that more than zero of your goals have been met this semester. Let me give you a selfish example. On Monday, I have 4 hours of research on my to-do list. I ended up working for an hour. I decided that either I could feel like crap about not doing as much as I planned or I could be happy about the hour I did do. I’ve decided to be happy about the little I did do.

  2. “once again the semester did not work out the way it should No goals were met either personally or professionally and now that the end of the semester is near I’m confronted with that cold, painful fact and must once again expend energy regrouping (rather than continuing working), come up with yet another plan, and try yet again. What is wrong with me that I can’t just do the things that I need to do?”

    NOTHING is wrong with you! So many people feel like this…the semesters zoom by and everything that we had on the to-do list had to be scrunched down further and further to accommodate the immediate duties. I can’t tell you how many people I talked to this week who said they were writing their conference papers on the plane because they hadn’t been able to get around to them beforehand. Hang in there and please don’t beat yourself up. It’s the nature of the beast in academe. We can only do as much as we can do.

  3. EE, okay perhaps I was being a *bit* hyperbolic. I’m sure I accomplished something, but right now, it’s not clear to me what I have accomplished other than almost being able to stay on top of my teaching and academic duties, which I know, theoretically, is a task in and of itself, and I’m pretty sure though that I’m not on top of the english honor society stuff like I should be, so I just hope that my chair really does have an extra stash of honor cords like he said he did. And mad props to getting an hour of research done!

    Ink, it does make me feel better to hear that a lot of other people are feeling this way right now. I know it’s the nature of the beast, but I just wish I had one semester or one break or one summer where I feel like I’ve gotten something accomplished. But you’re right. We can only do as much as we can do. I like that.

  4. Sorry my post was so truncated — Tot chose just that moment to decide he wanted to see pictures and was half on my lap and causing trouble. Probably he wanted to write you a secret note. But that’s why I just posted it and didn’t add to it. Sorry about that.

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