I am in a fowl mood lately. Just absolutely horrendously grumpy. I thought I had overcome it on Monday figuring out why I was tired and grumpy, but that was Monday and this is Wednesday. I’m not really feeling well, so that I think that has a lot to do with it. I think I’ve had a stress induced low grade migraine this whole week. And I know I must be super stressed because dairy is killing me right now. It’s an immediate head and stomach ache the moment dairy makes it past my lips, so that’s super frustrating. But I’m just so done with the semester. I’m so apathetic right now. I really need to snap out of it if I plan to get anything done in the next two weeks. And I should have just said I’d go to the faculty retreat, not fucking present at it. I’m nowhere near to being half prepared either, and I have to go out of town the weekend before.
I am filled with piss and vinegar right now. And I’m at that stage of pissiness where I am regretting nearly every decision I’ve made in my entire life (anyone else do that when you’re stressed or cranky?), like even back to decisions I remember making in the 3rd grade. I am finding just about everything intolerable right now. I think I need this fucking 40 degree rainy weather to go away. It’s like a goddamn lingering fucking winter that won’t fucking end. I am really just done with wearing long sleeves, vests, and scarves. And this is a bad attitude to have because the papers all come in next week, but I’m pissy and angry at having to have been on campus every day last week, every day this week, and every fucking day next week. I spend more time on the commute to the meeting than I actually do at the meeting, which is super annoying.
In an attempt to combat my pissy attitude about having to be here so much at precisely the time of the semester when I have the most work to do, I have changed my office hours for the last two weeks of school that allows me a) time to grade and b) and most importantly, time to work out next M & W because I’m not coming in for the early office hours. None of the students stop in for them anyway either, so whatever. The J and I just have to take separate cars and spend too much $ on gas and tolls and such that’s absolutely ridiculous, but whatever. The only thing that might prevent my attitude from getting any worse is pounding out some miles on the treadmill and lifting weights. Right now seems like a good time to take up daily boxing and power lifting. I have no idea why I’m so freaking aggressive.
At least I had enough presence of mind when I made the schedule that I knew I’d probably have this sort of attitude right at this moment so in the lower division and freshman classes, which are writing classes, they’re writing, all class period, on their own. That’s it and that’s all. I’m just here to answer questions about their essays as they are finishing them up. And if they want to squander the time I’ve given them in class to work on their essays by watching youtube or FBing, I don’t care. They’re all quiet right now and not disruptive, so if they think a better use of their time is not to work on their essays when given the opportunity, then whatever. As long as they’re quiet and doing things that keep them that way. I don’t care.
A terrible attitude, yes, I admit that, but I’m tired, I have headaches now and heartburn (Christmas was the first time ever that I had ever had heartburn, and now this week and last week I’ve been plagued by it) and stomach aches and blah, blah, blah.
The thing is, I don’t think I’m going to feel better until I get to work on the stupid presentation for the faculty retreat because that’s the largest source of stress. I have *nothing* for it yet. And I’ve got to talk about my topic for 40 minutes. Fuck, what the hell was I thinking?? Next year I’m simply just going to go and not participate. Christ.
Well, I feel only sort of better for this rant. Now I have to figure out the most productive way to spend my time and maximize getting shit done today because my afternoon is shot again tomorrow. I hate the end of the semester. Loathe. Despise it. I know, only two weeks left, and I’ll probably bitch about it every single step of the way, so I’ll apologize in advance for it, so maybe I’ll just read right now. There’s not much more I can do while their working.