All right, fine, fuck it. I’m moving back to wordpress. For those of you who followed along, thanks so much!
I think livejournal might be blocked on campus? Or something because I’m frustrated with it. Plus, I don’t like how much trouble there is with commenting over on livejournal, so hopefully this will be my last move. Actually, I have been thinking for a long time, like almost a month after I moved to livejournal to move back to wordpress but I didn’t want to be annoying. After today’s mishaps and frustrations (again) with their servers, I’m done.
It’s just one more thing in a long line of things that are really aggravating me today. And I had a really long post already at livejournal that has now gotten lost or something, so fuck it. And I’ve
spent so much time wasted so much time already on trying to write a g-d blog entry to alleviate my frustration and anxiety that it’s actually caused me more anxiety!
I’m exhausted. I have a shit ton of stuff to do today, but I cannot focus on any of it because I hardly slept last night. See my other post was about dealing with things I can control, and I don’t feel like rehashing the whole damn thing over here now, but I may as well. Every Sunday night I got to bed early thinking I’m going to get up early on Monday to get to the gym by 5 am because I really feel better on the days I work out and M & W are such long days that I know I’ll have better days if I could just work out. Inevitably, I’m filled with anxiety about getting to sleep so that I can get enough sleep so that I’ll be able to work out. And last night it happened again. Two full solid hours and then I was up and totally anxious about falling back asleep because if I didn’t fall back asleep then I wouldn’t be able to work out and well, that’s what happened. So, now that the semester is five weeks from being over, I’ve got to just bite the bullet and quit trying and focus on working out on the days that I actually *can* work out.
This same scenario has affected my now defunct research schedule. Next spring I have a schedule similar to this one which I’m going to change. I’m not doing this again. A) I need to be able to get to the gym before class; B) I don’t like teaching this early. I’m most productive in the morning on the stuff I want to do, and I need that time for myself, so therefore, I’m going to change one of my writing classes. I can because I’m in charge of that, and I’m 99% sure it’s not going to be a problem. It’s not like I’m taking another person’s class and making it mine and screwing up another’s schedule, so oh well. This schedule blows. I thought it would be great, but it’s too early. Although next spring I wouldn’t have to get here as early, but I’m still left with this huge chunk of time. Ach. Oh well. I have plenty of time to figure it out. But that doesn’t change the fact that I have sooooo much and too much to do in the next month.
I should be grading right now. Rather, commenting on drafts. I don’t want to. I’m grumpy about this because I’m tired.
My other post that got lost, even though I was frustrated, it was still way more positive than this. I’m sorry.
What I have learned in the course of my frustrations for the day is that I need to just let the fuck go of the things that I can’t change and come to terms with the way the schedule is. I’m a slow learner. And I’ve got to make good the next five weeks of using my time on campus more wisely. I mean, in all honesty, I actually do use it fairly well most of the time–it’s usually to play catch up and prep last minute. However, since I do have a bunch of stuff that needs to get done in the next four weeks (the next four weeks will be grading extravaganza; the good thing is that before the last week of the semester, I’ll have final grades all but done and all work but the finals returned. Which means that weekend before the last week of classes is going to be nuts, but the J will be out of town, so I’ve got the whole place to myself and only myself to worry about, and hopefully I will have started on the papers when they come in. I’ve been hit and miss with that, but way better with it than last semester.
Right now I’m just having a hard time keeping up with everything. I feel like I spend M-W completely overwhelmed. And then I feel stifled for the rest of the week that the research suffers, and I have some major deadlines. The thing is, I haven’t quite figured out what works for me. I think being on campus for 10 hours a day twice a week doesn’t work because it exhausts me so that I need recovery days; on the other hand, it’s nice only teaching twice a week. But again, what good is it if I don’t have the balance for the other stuff I need to get done.
Part of it is, and my trainer is totally just dead on, I lack commitment. I know this. Generally it’s out of some sort of fear. I know this. I’ve discussed it at length on my various blogs at various times. I write about it almost every.single.day in my journal. And I’ve always got a plan, too. They’re just never very good plans. So, I need to think about this some more, try some accountablogging, get some side meters and to do lists put up. Maybe a goal widget or something, too. I think I need a WW version of a research log.
Since this is obnoxiously long, I’m going to save that for the next post.