Meh.

Standard

Since I’m super stressed about finances since The J’s GI Bill has not come through yet (which when it does and when we get the back pay for it and I can replenish our hemorrhaging savings with it, I’ll feel a bit better, but part of the problem is me and I don’t know how to fix it), I’m just can’t focus right now.

Here are all the things I need to do that I’m not going to do:

  • Grade
  • Work on a syllabus (I know other people are going to turn theirs in late, so I’m giving myself another day)
  • read for tomorrow’s classes and prep
  • email

So, what I’ll do is read for class during my break between classes and grade some papers tomorrow morning during my office hours. That means at some point I’ll have to get this syllabus shenanigan done, but Wednesday is my Friday, so what the fuck am I bitching for anyway. I just can’t focused in the face of financial stress and worry about things I can’t really control.

However, I did make it to the gym today. Second post-marathon workout. First one without pain. What sucks after running a marathon is a) the postpartum-like depression (or so I’ve read that it’s comparable to that, which I guess is the same as post-dissertation depression, not to denigrate or demean or compare to those of you who actually have had babies and/or may have suffered from this), so I was in a funk about my life, exercise, and what-not last week that was kind of bad, or rather I felt worse than I have in a long time; and b) the body is exhausted for a while after the marathon. So while I ran for 4.5 hours just 10 days ago, 20 minutes of cardio today felt just as monumental a feat, which is depressing in and of itself–"I’m in great shape. Why does 20 minutes suck so bad?" On top of that because of the physical exertion, I had to take a nap, from which I have just awakened. However, unlike last week when my IT band hurt so bad that I proclaimed that I’d never be able to workout again, I feel more confident now that that is indeed not actually the case.

Also, I am just plain exhausted. I still think it’s marathon related with a bit of lingering sinus issues and some early allergy issues because even though there is snow on the ground, we have the windows open most of the time in the apartment. I think that might be wearing me out a bit, too.

I can’t wait for spring break. Let me just say that now. I’m sure many of you are right there with me. Actually, I can’t wait until Summer.

Also, I hope I don’t gooch myself for saying this, but I have been off the anti-depressants and the anti-anxiety meds for two whole months now with no relapse and with nothing like that appearing to be on the horizon either. I’m so excited to be med free for so long and for it not have any adverse affects! I mean like no crazy behavior–no bingeing, no excessive sleeping or wakefulness, no elaborate mood swings (except you know about every three weeks). I feel as good, if not better than I did when I was on them. I feel, dare I say it, "normal." And by "normal" I mean "normal" for me. *Calm Exhale*

It feels weird to be stressed and anxious about one thing but completely blase’ about everything else. I will work dutifully on tomorrow’s class prep from 3:30-5pm. That’s my bargain with whatever.

I think I might polish my nails now while I avoid the immediate reading and class prep in favor of stuff that I’m teaching next week in which I’m totally enthralled right now.

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