Semester Start, I’m so not into you

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I’ve got all my syllabi photocopied and waiting for me in my office, though I might have to make more as last ditch efforts are made to fill 2 of my classes. Really, there’s no danger of the class being canceled. I don’t need it to be chock full of people who are taking it only because it’s open. It doesn’t fill me with glee or hope. I finally finished my report on the last of the plagiarizers. I marked six places in the first four or five pages or so where Stu clearly borrows steals the ideas of the author of one of the articles ze uses. I did not think there was reason to continue reading or searching for more evidence. If this isn’t solid enough for the higher ups, then I give up. Stu wants to meet tomorrow. I told Stu noon (so funny that I picked that, like a showdown or something). Stu has yet to confirm that time works for hir. I know it sounds terrible, but I really don’t care.

So I’ve got all the nitty gritty stuff done. The J is ready for his classes. Got his notebooks and textbooks. Got in to his Blackboard and the website where all his classes, email, and registration/student info can be accessed. Got his pencils and pens and backpack and stuff all together. He’s set. It’s super cute. I think he’s really excited. I’m really happy for him.

Again, so I’m set. But I’m so not ready to start school tomorrow. I’m not excited at all. I’m ready to see a couple of friends whom I’ve missed, and since I’m having dinner with one on Wednesday, then really, I don’t need to go to school do I? I was excited in the Fall even after last year’s terribleness. And I was excited last spring even after a rocky start last fall. But this semester, so not feeling it at all. I feel like crap. Of course I do. I abandoned WW this week! How terrible is that?? I let stress and anxiety get the better of me and I’ve spent the last three days undoing weeks of work!  However, like I said a couple of weeks ago, the thing that I notice immediately when I don’t follow the WW is how awful I feel–physically, not like bad about myself. Like I feel gross. My face is a mess. My head is killing me. I don’t know how else to describe it, but I feel slimy, like there is a battle of toxins and grossness fighting it out in my head and the rest of my body. If my insides were part of a Civil War reenactment, then this would be like the battle of Shiloh or Antietam. And I’m sure that plays no small role in my attitude toward classes starting tomorrow. Plus I haven’t hardly worked out–thanks weather in Home City. Here I at least have a gym to go to. And we did manage to find a spot around here where we can do the long run today–the trail, not even touched. There’s like a foot of snow down there. Totally sucks. Totally. But, oh well. There’s a track in a park that I guess we’ll just run around in a circle for a couple of hours or so. Oy.

I wish I were excited about classes starting tomorrow. I don’t feel like I should be in a funk. I think I might be really really homesick. Actually, it’s probably a combination of stress, homesickness, lack of exercise and poor eating in the past couple of weeks, last semester student issues that won’t die, anticipation of money woes which equals a major life change just right there with the change in income, winter–cold, little sunlight, snowiness. So I guess it’s a whole bunch of stuff. It’s weird to me now though that now that the J is back, I feel more homesick than I did this time last year. Last year, I spent Christmas with the fam and couldn’t wait to get back up here, back "home," back to normal, couldn’t wait really to teach a new class. But this year I really resisted coming back. Maybe it’s because we were at the house and I had the mutts and the J with me this year. And the J is probably right–my attitude and perhaps to some extent some of my depression might abate if I think about here as being "home" rather than "Fancy Town is where I live, Home City (or NOLA for that matter) is home." And one of the things I want to work on, honestly probably need to work on (I had this huge post earlier that I deleted, but i think I some of it may have poked through elsewhere) is being happy where I am, getting rid of the "grass is always greener" mentality that I live by. And while I doesn’t mean that I have to stay static and can’t work toward other goals, I have to stop thinking about some magical or distant time when–"when I reach my goal weight," "when we can move to a better apartment," "when I finally write this…"I have no sense of being present. I haven’t had that at all in my 30s. "I don’t want to do this until…" And it’s like that saying, "happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have" which if I think about it too hard actually doesn’t make sense to me; however, you get the point. And I’ve seen my 30s slip away so far because I’m always thinking of a future time when I can start doing things. Why don’t I just do them now?

So that’s sorta where I’m at today. And don’t get me wrong. I don’t dislike my job. It’s not that I loathe work so much like Asshat Insurance that the thought of waking up every day and going to that job makes me want to jump out of my office window. Which, even so if I did that on campus, all I’d end up with is a broken leg. I like my colleagues. I love my friends I’ve made there. I’m totally spoiled with the amount of time off I get, but really, seriously, if I could have off until September, I would not be sad in the least. I might get antsy around March or something and then maybe again around July, and I want to look forward to the new semester, but oh well. I think in part, too, that the apartment is a mess and full of clutter–it’s not unpacked or anything from coming home. It’s a mess. And that makes me anxious, too. All this mess. So maybe what I’ll work on then is that. And maybe I might feel better. And I perhaps may have more to say later to work off nervous mental energy.

Have a great Sunday everyone! Hope you are warm and toasty and able to be lazy today wherever you are!

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