Meh, I know the holidays are over, but I don’t feel like changing my holiday layout quite just yet. Perhaps because it hasn’t felt a lot like winter yet for an extended period of time because I keep traveling to places where it’s cool, then warm, then cool again, so I haven’t had just sustained coldness yet. I was complaining about it last week until I went for a run in 70 degree weather and it felt wonderful. It’s been a good thing, really, this warmth because it means that being away from my gym for five weeks that I can get outside and run, and the consistent running is what has kept me from not gaining 10 pounds over the holidays–that and WW–but mostly the exercise. I cannot, right now, get the eating in check. I log everything, but I’m just not planning things out very well is the problem, and that’s always the problem in NOLA because there are things I can get here that I can’t anywhere else and that I don’t always get to have every time that I’m here, so it’s hard not to go overboard here.Granted, yesterday at lunch I made some stupid choices that cost me a lot, so I’ve got to watch these little things here and there. Sorry to go on about WW–I’m just a bit frustrated with myself right now, and trying really hard to fight the "oh fuck it, I’m on vacation in my favorite city, I’ll worry about this on Friday" mentality. And we are going to the French Quarter today, so that urge is super hard to fight right now. Plus, yesterday my little cousin took some pictures of me–I felt really good about myself until I saw those pictures! The J said they looked "wide" because a) they were taken with a phone; b) she’s 7; c) she’s super short so the angle was all jacked up, but still. So discouraging to see a bad picture after starting to feel really good about oneself. So I’m fighting that disappointing discouragement right now as well. And let me say, pictures are a powerful thing. They either motivate me or destroy me. If I know I need to do something and I see the evidence in the pictures, then they motivate me. But if I’m feeling good about myself and what I’ve been doing, then I’m just like, "what’s the point then?" And that’s where I am right now. Yes, I feel great, truth be told, but I’m really fighting the "so what if I feel great if I look like shit in pictures?" I’m having a tough time with this this morning.
Yesterday at dinner we were talking about blogs–I feel really bad because my favorite uncle, my godfather, asked me if he could read my blog and I told him "no." Only five people IRL know this blog–not even the J reads it; nor could he tell you the blog address if he wanted to. I have a lot about my depression on here that no one in the family knows about, and I don’t want them reading that. I know I don’t need to justify this to you, but I just sorta feel bad about it because I never tell my uncle "no" to anything.
So for whatever reason, although I think mainly revolving around the food and weight and picture thing, I’m just having kind of a rough morning here. I’m also having feelings of intense jealousy and loathing this morning–I have no idea why. Perhaps because I’ve yet to sit down with myself over this break and come up with some sort of plan for my scholarship–both long and short term. I know the reality of being able, especially right now, to move to another job, is like nil, but I have no mobility chances at all without any scholarship. I am completely unmarketable, seriously. Not that I’m planning on moving or anything in the near future, but The J and I decided that if he doesn’t get a job with an income that allows us to be able to buy a house to accommodate a family in Fancy City when he finishes his degree, then we’re not going to settle there. THat’s not for another five years, but we have to have that in the back of our minds at least. Plus, it’s no secret to anyone really how homesick I am for NOLA. And while we may actually never move, I’m shooting myself in the foot if I don’t get my shit together on the academic front. But I don’t really want to think about that on vacation, but it’s always in the back of my head. What I should be focusing on right now is my karaoke set for tonight in the city.
So I can at least end this on a positive note, I’ve changed our marathon training plan, and the J likes my suggestion–we run for time now, not distance, which originally I thought this would mean fewer miles on the whole and more rest as a way of "tricking" myself into doing my workouts because when I get too focused on distance and pace, then it’s just not enjoyable anymore. However, what I have found in the last seven runs focusing on time and not distance is that a) I’ve been going further than I had anticipated (I was basing distance on a 10:00 pace); b) my runs are super duper relaxed now. I think the reason why is because I’m not constantly checking on my pace–I’ve not been obsessed with it for the last few runs. Instead, I just run. Sunday we went out for a 2 hour run. We ran 12.47 miles. It was the first run that I’ve had over 9 miles that I’ve not fallen apart at mile 8 or 9. We actually negative split the run, too. And I was not rested. I had already had, in the four days prior to that, 50, 70, 90, and 60 minute runs. So my legs and body were tired. But I knew we were running for 2 hours whether we ran 8 miles or 16, and at 2 hours, regardless of how far we ran, I could stop. I tell you what–I haven’t had a run like that since seriously the second year of my master’s program. No hip or knee problems. No back pain during the run. It was relaxed. I’m not sure I’d say it was fun, but it was a good run. Which given all of this is what made the photos yesterday so discouraging. *Frown* But anyway, we have found that, or I have found that running with a time goal in mind for this marathon rather just a mileage goal for our training runs is more productive and less psychologically challenging. I can face a three hour run better than I can face a 20 miler. 20 miles, even after having run a marathon is still scary. Three hours is just three hours. But I think, at least, for the time being, I can maintain the training until the marathon with time goals in mind rather than mileage, so I’m going with that. And now I think I need to get myself centered for the run this morning before heading out to the Quarter!