Now for the body/weight/"me" post.
I think what Heu Mihi and Earnest English had to say in the comments were dead on about my issues here: perfection, focus on looks not feelings/health, the desire to do everything and do everything perfectly and the best.
It’s funny because it’s true. I’m really good at chiding my sister whenever she embarks on a new weightloss endeavor because she focuses on the scale and the numbers,not about overall health. And I tell her if that’s where her focus is, she’s either not going to lose the weight she wants to or when she does, she’s going to gain it right back.
I clearly cannot follow my own advice. I’ve fallen into the trap I lecture to people about falling in to.
I will say in May I felt great because of what I was doing,and I was doing it to feel better, not to look better, and you know what? I started losing weight like no one’s business. As soon as I became focused on losing weight and working out to lose weight, it started to come right back. For whatever reason in May, I didn’t care what I looked like; I cared about what I was doing to feel better and what I was doing to make my body stronger. And once that focus shifted, when I got all, "omg! I only have three weeks before marathon training to get the rest of the weight off" things fell apart. And that’s what’s happened since the marathon. The focus was not on training for a new marathon and running that marathon better. It was "I can’t run this marathon better if I don’t lose weight. I must lose weight." Yes, it will make a tremendous difference on my knees and hips with this amount of running to lose the weight, but in all honesty, that’s what’s been stressing me out about the running. That I’m trying to use the marathon training as double dipping into weight loss. That I’m thinking of the training not as training but as a way of tricking my body into losing weight without thinking about it. And that’s why my marathon training always fails. Always. That’s what stressed me out the last time–or a significant part of it. Because I *loved*!! running that marathon. But that’s what’s thwarted me again recently–training’s not making me lose weight as fast as I want; therefore, training sucks. The truth of the matter is, I love running. But when I’m running just to lose weight or with that as my focus, it doesn’t work. It’s not fun.
You’re right. I need to focus on how I feel, not how I look. That’s what I need to remember–how good a run feels, even in the cold. How good that run feels afterward. How good I feel after that run. I have to remember that. I mean, I ran a marathon! Sure, so did 36,000 other people that day, and I should feel great about that, but sadly all I think about is how fat I was during the race and how fat I am no afterward, and that isn’t how it should be. And my trainer, bless her heart, is really good about the positive reinforcement and about trying to shift my focus on my abilities and how strong I actually am and how fit I actually am. And I need to keep that in mind. I mean, I can squat 70-90 pounds and bench press 55-60 pounds (which I think is pretty good for a girl). I am really quite strong and fit. I should focus on that.
So I’m going to get better about that, about shifting the focus. It needs to be on fitness and health, not just about weight loss.
Now it’s true that I need to lose weight, but that needs to be the by-product of the fitness and health goals not the goal. So why join WW then? I need to learn moderation and self-control. Generally I look at self-control as deprivation, but I do need to learn to eat one cookie, not ten just because I want to or just because they’re sooooo good. One is enjoyment. Ten is something totally different. I don’t have a 25 year old’s metabolism anymore. I can’t eat crap for months, workout for a week and be back to "normal." Sometimes I hate being an adult.
Thank you for helping me think more about these things. And I need to be focused on where I am now. Not where I used to be. So that’s where I’m starting.