Part II

Standard

Now for the body/weight/"me" post.

I think what Heu Mihi and Earnest English had to say in the comments were dead on about my issues here: perfection, focus on looks not feelings/health, the desire to do everything and do everything perfectly and the best.

It’s funny because it’s true. I’m really good at chiding my sister whenever she embarks on a new weightloss endeavor because she focuses on the scale and the numbers,not about overall health. And I tell her if that’s where her focus is, she’s either not going to lose the weight she wants to or when she does, she’s going to gain it right back.

I clearly cannot follow my own advice. I’ve fallen into the trap I lecture to people about falling in to.

I will say in May I felt great because of what I was doing,and I was doing it to feel better, not to look better, and you know what? I started losing weight like no one’s business. As soon as I became focused on losing weight and working out to lose weight, it started to come right back. For whatever reason in May, I didn’t care what I looked like; I cared about what I was doing to feel better and what I was doing to make my body stronger. And once that focus shifted, when I got all, "omg! I only have three weeks before marathon training to get the rest of the weight off" things fell apart. And that’s what’s happened since the marathon. The focus was not on training for a new marathon and running that marathon better. It was "I can’t run this marathon better if I don’t lose weight. I must lose weight." Yes, it will make a tremendous difference on my knees and hips with this amount of running to lose the weight, but in all honesty, that’s what’s been stressing me out about the running. That I’m trying to use the marathon training as double dipping into weight loss. That I’m thinking of the training not as training but as a way of tricking my body into losing weight without thinking about it. And that’s why my marathon training always fails. Always. That’s what stressed me out the last time–or a significant part of it. Because I *loved*!! running that marathon. But that’s what’s thwarted me again recently–training’s not making me lose weight as fast as I want; therefore, training sucks. The truth of the matter is, I love running. But when I’m running just to lose weight or with that as my focus, it doesn’t work. It’s not fun.

You’re right. I need to focus on how I feel, not how I look. That’s what I need to remember–how good a run feels, even in the cold. How good that run feels afterward. How good I feel after that run. I have to remember that. I mean, I ran a marathon! Sure, so did 36,000 other people that day, and I should feel great about that, but sadly all I think about is how fat I was during the race and how fat I am no afterward, and that isn’t how it should be. And my trainer, bless her heart, is really good about the positive reinforcement and about trying to shift my focus on my abilities and how strong I actually am and how fit I actually am. And I need to keep that in mind. I mean, I can squat 70-90 pounds and bench press 55-60 pounds (which I think is pretty good for a girl). I am really quite strong and fit. I should focus on that.

So I’m going to get better about that, about shifting the focus. It needs to be on fitness and health, not just about weight loss.

Now it’s true that I need to lose weight, but that needs to be the by-product of the fitness and health goals not the goal. So why join WW then? I need to learn moderation and self-control. Generally I look at self-control as deprivation, but I do need to learn to eat one cookie, not ten just because I want to or just because they’re sooooo good. One is enjoyment. Ten is something totally different. I don’t have a 25 year old’s metabolism anymore. I can’t eat crap for months, workout for a week and be back to "normal." Sometimes I hate being an adult.

Thank you for helping me think more about these things. And I need to be focused on where I am now. Not where I used to be. So that’s where I’m starting.

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24 responses »

  1. Do you know why WW is great? (I hate that I’m like the spokesmodel for them or something, but bear with me.) It’s that every day is a new day, every week is a new week, and it’s all part of finding a way to eat that still involves pleasure. Also, for me, it takes care of my perfectionist streak because I can focus on how to hit my points each day, as opposed to focusing on the scale, or on keeping to an unkeepable diet regime, so it actually gives my perfectionism an outlet that is healthy, as opposed to one that is unhealthy.
    Ok, I will stop. But really, I don’t see WW as in conflict with your other goals.

    • Crazy, I don’t see it as in conflict. I just felt like since I spent a whole post saying that I know it shouldn’t be about weight but about fitness and health that it seemed then like I shouldn’t have joined WW because the fact of the matter is that I do actually need to lose weight. Probably not as much as I think I do, but in order for my body to feel good, I need to drop about 15-20 pounds.
      I like that it doesn’t make me feel guilty. Yes, I was grumpy last night because I really wanted another glass of wine and a couple of cookies, but I probably feel better this morning because I didn’t, and had I made different choices yesterday, I would have had room for it. But it is kind of like a puzzle where you figure out the pieces every day without making me feel like a loser. I like how you view WW.

    • Crazy, I don’t see it as in conflict. I just felt like since I spent a whole post saying that I know it shouldn’t be about weight but about fitness and health that it seemed then like I shouldn’t have joined WW because the fact of the matter is that I do actually need to lose weight. Probably not as much as I think I do, but in order for my body to feel good, I need to drop about 15-20 pounds.

      I like that it doesn’t make me feel guilty. Yes, I was grumpy last night because I really wanted another glass of wine and a couple of cookies, but I probably feel better this morning because I didn’t, and had I made different choices yesterday, I would have had room for it. But it is kind of like a puzzle where you figure out the pieces every day without making me feel like a loser. I like how you view WW.

    • Crazy, I don’t see it as in conflict. I just felt like since I spent a whole post saying that I know it shouldn’t be about weight but about fitness and health that it seemed then like I shouldn’t have joined WW because the fact of the matter is that I do actually need to lose weight. Probably not as much as I think I do, but in order for my body to feel good, I need to drop about 15-20 pounds.

      I like that it doesn’t make me feel guilty. Yes, I was grumpy last night because I really wanted another glass of wine and a couple of cookies, but I probably feel better this morning because I didn’t, and had I made different choices yesterday, I would have had room for it. But it is kind of like a puzzle where you figure out the pieces every day without making me feel like a loser. I like how you view WW.

    • Crazy, I don’t see it as in conflict. I just felt like since I spent a whole post saying that I know it shouldn’t be about weight but about fitness and health that it seemed then like I shouldn’t have joined WW because the fact of the matter is that I do actually need to lose weight. Probably not as much as I think I do, but in order for my body to feel good, I need to drop about 15-20 pounds.

      I like that it doesn’t make me feel guilty. Yes, I was grumpy last night because I really wanted another glass of wine and a couple of cookies, but I probably feel better this morning because I didn’t, and had I made different choices yesterday, I would have had room for it. But it is kind of like a puzzle where you figure out the pieces every day without making me feel like a loser. I like how you view WW.

  2. Do you know why WW is great? (I hate that I’m like the spokesmodel for them or something, but bear with me.) It’s that every day is a new day, every week is a new week, and it’s all part of finding a way to eat that still involves pleasure. Also, for me, it takes care of my perfectionist streak because I can focus on how to hit my points each day, as opposed to focusing on the scale, or on keeping to an unkeepable diet regime, so it actually gives my perfectionism an outlet that is healthy, as opposed to one that is unhealthy.

    Ok, I will stop. But really, I don’t see WW as in conflict with your other goals.

  3. Do you know why WW is great? (I hate that I’m like the spokesmodel for them or something, but bear with me.) It’s that every day is a new day, every week is a new week, and it’s all part of finding a way to eat that still involves pleasure. Also, for me, it takes care of my perfectionist streak because I can focus on how to hit my points each day, as opposed to focusing on the scale, or on keeping to an unkeepable diet regime, so it actually gives my perfectionism an outlet that is healthy, as opposed to one that is unhealthy.

    Ok, I will stop. But really, I don’t see WW as in conflict with your other goals.

  4. Do you know why WW is great? (I hate that I’m like the spokesmodel for them or something, but bear with me.) It’s that every day is a new day, every week is a new week, and it’s all part of finding a way to eat that still involves pleasure. Also, for me, it takes care of my perfectionist streak because I can focus on how to hit my points each day, as opposed to focusing on the scale, or on keeping to an unkeepable diet regime, so it actually gives my perfectionism an outlet that is healthy, as opposed to one that is unhealthy.

    Ok, I will stop. But really, I don’t see WW as in conflict with your other goals.

  5. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nola}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
    All this sounds great. It really sounds like you’re on your way. But I have just one suggestion — and this one doesn’t come from me but from something someone said to me about changing any habits that dog one — don’t beat yourself up if you eat the ten cookies, or a couple pieces of cheesecake or whatever. Or you feel yourself sliding back into thinking more about how you look than how strong and healthy you are. First, it’s the holidays — and not celebrating the holidays is just wrong and, I’m convinced, actually mean to one’s self. (Okay, at least to me.) More important, you’re working on changing the way you think and that means you’re going against a whole life of habits and that means you’re going to backslide. You are. You’re going to have bad days. Anyone would. That doesn’t mean anything about your willpower or anything. Just that if you fall off the wagon, you need to NOT beat yourself up, NOT engage in a bunch of negative self-talk that will make you feel worse and perpetuate the bad stuff you’re trying to avoid, but recognize what you’re doing is really really difficult and then dust yourself off and keep trying.
    This very reasonable approach, by the way, has nothing to do with anything that I know — but I’m trying to live it, especially with respect to losing my temper. And when I blow it? Take a deep breath. Tomorrow is another day. Try not to think I’m clearly the worst parent ever who never should’ve had a child. I’m trying also to get myself to have such an approach with my own procrastination of scholarship, since the self-flagellation just makes it harder to write. I’ll let you know how that goes. But I’m working on this idea of having mental discipline — not to do or not do something, but to disrupt the negative self-talk when my actions reveal to myself that I’m not perfect and, alas, only human after all.
    I’m not great at any of it, but living with that and not getting down about it is part of it too.
    I hope this helps. Big hug! Let’s talk soon! (Maybe after you get back from holiday travel. I, for one, am not going anywhere. YAY!)

    • Re: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nola}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
      Anon – is that you EE? – makes a good point about the beating yourself up. And actually, in that regard I’ve found WW helpful, in that if you want, you can totally decide to eat 10 cookies and you aren’t “breaking your diet” on WW. (In the past what I’d do would be to eat 10 cookies, and then say – oh, well, I guess I’ve totally screwed that up – and then go eat 10 more plus some chips and dip. Because, you know, that would make me feel better.) With WW, sure, you might use up all your weekly points on those cookies, or you might need to be WICKED careful for the rest of your week or work out more than you’d planned, but nothing about those 10 cookies makes you a bad person or doomed to fail at weight loss.

    • Re: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nola}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

      Anon – is that you EE? – makes a good point about the beating yourself up. And actually, in that regard I’ve found WW helpful, in that if you want, you can totally decide to eat 10 cookies and you aren’t “breaking your diet” on WW. (In the past what I’d do would be to eat 10 cookies, and then say – oh, well, I guess I’ve totally screwed that up – and then go eat 10 more plus some chips and dip. Because, you know, that would make me feel better.) With WW, sure, you might use up all your weekly points on those cookies, or you might need to be WICKED careful for the rest of your week or work out more than you’d planned, but nothing about those 10 cookies makes you a bad person or doomed to fail at weight loss.

    • Re: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nola}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

      Anon – is that you EE? – makes a good point about the beating yourself up. And actually, in that regard I’ve found WW helpful, in that if you want, you can totally decide to eat 10 cookies and you aren’t “breaking your diet” on WW. (In the past what I’d do would be to eat 10 cookies, and then say – oh, well, I guess I’ve totally screwed that up – and then go eat 10 more plus some chips and dip. Because, you know, that would make me feel better.) With WW, sure, you might use up all your weekly points on those cookies, or you might need to be WICKED careful for the rest of your week or work out more than you’d planned, but nothing about those 10 cookies makes you a bad person or doomed to fail at weight loss.

    • Re: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nola}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

      Anon – is that you EE? – makes a good point about the beating yourself up. And actually, in that regard I’ve found WW helpful, in that if you want, you can totally decide to eat 10 cookies and you aren’t “breaking your diet” on WW. (In the past what I’d do would be to eat 10 cookies, and then say – oh, well, I guess I’ve totally screwed that up – and then go eat 10 more plus some chips and dip. Because, you know, that would make me feel better.) With WW, sure, you might use up all your weekly points on those cookies, or you might need to be WICKED careful for the rest of your week or work out more than you’d planned, but nothing about those 10 cookies makes you a bad person or doomed to fail at weight loss.

  6. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nola}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    All this sounds great. It really sounds like you’re on your way. But I have just one suggestion — and this one doesn’t come from me but from something someone said to me about changing any habits that dog one — don’t beat yourself up if you eat the ten cookies, or a couple pieces of cheesecake or whatever. Or you feel yourself sliding back into thinking more about how you look than how strong and healthy you are. First, it’s the holidays — and not celebrating the holidays is just wrong and, I’m convinced, actually mean to one’s self. (Okay, at least to me.) More important, you’re working on changing the way you think and that means you’re going against a whole life of habits and that means you’re going to backslide. You are. You’re going to have bad days. Anyone would. That doesn’t mean anything about your willpower or anything. Just that if you fall off the wagon, you need to NOT beat yourself up, NOT engage in a bunch of negative self-talk that will make you feel worse and perpetuate the bad stuff you’re trying to avoid, but recognize what you’re doing is really really difficult and then dust yourself off and keep trying.

    This very reasonable approach, by the way, has nothing to do with anything that I know — but I’m trying to live it, especially with respect to losing my temper. And when I blow it? Take a deep breath. Tomorrow is another day. Try not to think I’m clearly the worst parent ever who never should’ve had a child. I’m trying also to get myself to have such an approach with my own procrastination of scholarship, since the self-flagellation just makes it harder to write. I’ll let you know how that goes. But I’m working on this idea of having mental discipline — not to do or not do something, but to disrupt the negative self-talk when my actions reveal to myself that I’m not perfect and, alas, only human after all.

    I’m not great at any of it, but living with that and not getting down about it is part of it too.

    I hope this helps. Big hug! Let’s talk soon! (Maybe after you get back from holiday travel. I, for one, am not going anywhere. YAY!)

  7. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nola}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    All this sounds great. It really sounds like you’re on your way. But I have just one suggestion — and this one doesn’t come from me but from something someone said to me about changing any habits that dog one — don’t beat yourself up if you eat the ten cookies, or a couple pieces of cheesecake or whatever. Or you feel yourself sliding back into thinking more about how you look than how strong and healthy you are. First, it’s the holidays — and not celebrating the holidays is just wrong and, I’m convinced, actually mean to one’s self. (Okay, at least to me.) More important, you’re working on changing the way you think and that means you’re going against a whole life of habits and that means you’re going to backslide. You are. You’re going to have bad days. Anyone would. That doesn’t mean anything about your willpower or anything. Just that if you fall off the wagon, you need to NOT beat yourself up, NOT engage in a bunch of negative self-talk that will make you feel worse and perpetuate the bad stuff you’re trying to avoid, but recognize what you’re doing is really really difficult and then dust yourself off and keep trying.

    This very reasonable approach, by the way, has nothing to do with anything that I know — but I’m trying to live it, especially with respect to losing my temper. And when I blow it? Take a deep breath. Tomorrow is another day. Try not to think I’m clearly the worst parent ever who never should’ve had a child. I’m trying also to get myself to have such an approach with my own procrastination of scholarship, since the self-flagellation just makes it harder to write. I’ll let you know how that goes. But I’m working on this idea of having mental discipline — not to do or not do something, but to disrupt the negative self-talk when my actions reveal to myself that I’m not perfect and, alas, only human after all.

    I’m not great at any of it, but living with that and not getting down about it is part of it too.

    I hope this helps. Big hug! Let’s talk soon! (Maybe after you get back from holiday travel. I, for one, am not going anywhere. YAY!)

  8. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nola}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    All this sounds great. It really sounds like you’re on your way. But I have just one suggestion — and this one doesn’t come from me but from something someone said to me about changing any habits that dog one — don’t beat yourself up if you eat the ten cookies, or a couple pieces of cheesecake or whatever. Or you feel yourself sliding back into thinking more about how you look than how strong and healthy you are. First, it’s the holidays — and not celebrating the holidays is just wrong and, I’m convinced, actually mean to one’s self. (Okay, at least to me.) More important, you’re working on changing the way you think and that means you’re going against a whole life of habits and that means you’re going to backslide. You are. You’re going to have bad days. Anyone would. That doesn’t mean anything about your willpower or anything. Just that if you fall off the wagon, you need to NOT beat yourself up, NOT engage in a bunch of negative self-talk that will make you feel worse and perpetuate the bad stuff you’re trying to avoid, but recognize what you’re doing is really really difficult and then dust yourself off and keep trying.

    This very reasonable approach, by the way, has nothing to do with anything that I know — but I’m trying to live it, especially with respect to losing my temper. And when I blow it? Take a deep breath. Tomorrow is another day. Try not to think I’m clearly the worst parent ever who never should’ve had a child. I’m trying also to get myself to have such an approach with my own procrastination of scholarship, since the self-flagellation just makes it harder to write. I’ll let you know how that goes. But I’m working on this idea of having mental discipline — not to do or not do something, but to disrupt the negative self-talk when my actions reveal to myself that I’m not perfect and, alas, only human after all.

    I’m not great at any of it, but living with that and not getting down about it is part of it too.

    I hope this helps. Big hug! Let’s talk soon! (Maybe after you get back from holiday travel. I, for one, am not going anywhere. YAY!)

  9. I think you guys are both right about the not beating myself up part, and that’s why I like the WW so far (though this is day 5) rather than the bodybugg (which I had at my old gym with my old trainer, and some of you may recognize it from the Biggest Loser–it’s the program they follow) because if I saw that I was way over on the “fat” category (usually), then I would be just like you said Crazy, “oh well, that blows it. might as well just grab the bag of chips and the ice cream since I suck.” But that is the precise thing so far that I love about WW–it’s that I have gone four days without feeling guilty or beating myself up! However, I am trying to bank my points since I know we’re going to the city tomorrow and will be eating out for probably two meals, so I’ve got to prepare for that.

  10. I think you guys are both right about the not beating myself up part, and that’s why I like the WW so far (though this is day 5) rather than the bodybugg (which I had at my old gym with my old trainer, and some of you may recognize it from the Biggest Loser–it’s the program they follow) because if I saw that I was way over on the “fat” category (usually), then I would be just like you said Crazy, “oh well, that blows it. might as well just grab the bag of chips and the ice cream since I suck.” But that is the precise thing so far that I love about WW–it’s that I have gone four days without feeling guilty or beating myself up! However, I am trying to bank my points since I know we’re going to the city tomorrow and will be eating out for probably two meals, so I’ve got to prepare for that.

  11. I think you guys are both right about the not beating myself up part, and that’s why I like the WW so far (though this is day 5) rather than the bodybugg (which I had at my old gym with my old trainer, and some of you may recognize it from the Biggest Loser–it’s the program they follow) because if I saw that I was way over on the “fat” category (usually), then I would be just like you said Crazy, “oh well, that blows it. might as well just grab the bag of chips and the ice cream since I suck.” But that is the precise thing so far that I love about WW–it’s that I have gone four days without feeling guilty or beating myself up! However, I am trying to bank my points since I know we’re going to the city tomorrow and will be eating out for probably two meals, so I’ve got to prepare for that.

  12. I think you guys are both right about the not beating myself up part, and that’s why I like the WW so far (though this is day 5) rather than the bodybugg (which I had at my old gym with my old trainer, and some of you may recognize it from the Biggest Loser–it’s the program they follow) because if I saw that I was way over on the “fat” category (usually), then I would be just like you said Crazy, “oh well, that blows it. might as well just grab the bag of chips and the ice cream since I suck.” But that is the precise thing so far that I love about WW–it’s that I have gone four days without feeling guilty or beating myself up! However, I am trying to bank my points since I know we’re going to the city tomorrow and will be eating out for probably two meals, so I’ve got to prepare for that.

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