Sigh

Standard

I’ve started two or three posts in the last week, but either got bored with myself or the post or thought it was too lame, too boring, unimportant, whatever.

Clearly I’m back to being in a funk. Why not? I turned another year older on Monday; it’s the holidays and people get down during the holidays (which incidentally I love in general usually, btw, I know; it’s cliche’, but I like the idea of Christmas and the holidays); and it’s cold and windy and miserable outside. And while I’m always grateful and happy to have the semester over, really, that’s what makes me depressed because I sit back, realize 14 weeks have gone by and that I’ve accomplished nothing, am usually worse off physically than when I started the semester, and that I have to start all over again in January.

This post is really about two things: body/"me" issues (as always!) and fear of being a fraud. And I think since my birthday is always at the end of the semester, both things are amplified for me as usual.

First I’ll get all my body woes out of the way. The J is back. My stress level should have been down. I quit taking the pill. I should have been able to be dropping weight more easily than last year. The problem is, and you will laugh, is that I cut my hair. It’s true that whenever I cut my hair short, I gain 20 pounds. Why? Because for some reason I keep thinking I’ll look cute with short hair. People generally agree that I do; however, it is never what I expect, and as a result, I spend months feeling terrible about myself, not liking how I look, hating what I see in the mirror in the morning, frustrated with the lack of options to make my hair look different–all this leads to me feeling bad about myself which leads to poor eating, lack of motivation (why bother, right? I look terrible, so what’s the point?), and a whole huge cycle of bad things. Why do I keep doing it? Each time I think it will be different. Isn’t that the definition of stupidity? Doing the same thing over and over and knowing the result but thinking or hoping the result will be different. Like I keep trying to get 2 + 2 to equal 5. So that’s that first issue. I guess the solution is if I want a change, change hair color and try a different style that doesn’t mean a dramatic change in length and don’t cut above the chin. Lesson learned? I hope so. I’m too old for this and my body is getting too old for this yo-yo crap. Of course this affects my teaching as well because I’m not motivated because I’m mopey and I save everything to the last minute adding to my stress and feeling bad about myself, etc….

Feeling bad about myself makes me not want to train. Not training makes me feel bad about myself. My diet is a wreck. And since The J can eat whatever he wants and work out only twice a week, it’s a ultra challenge for me. And my poor trainer is being really helpful and supportive and kind. So we’re trying a different way of working out which involves me getting to the gym on my own about three times a week, once with her, because good lord, I can’t come back from the holidays with holiday weight gain.

And since I’m heavier than when I ran the marathon in October (yikes!) things are starting to hurt and I’m getting close to injuries (I’ve had a couple of strains and way more soreness than last time). Cardiovascularly I rock. But not getting this weight off is going to start to negatively affect my ability to continue running in the manner I’d like because of congenital knee and hip issues. Frustration and laziness are my biggest enemies right now. Oh, and the ever looming lack of commitment (because why commit to something if I’m gross and worthless anyway). So on my bday, I joined WW which I had toyed with before, but I already had a service where I recorded and kept track of my food, and those of you who I know out there who have done are really rocking with it and seem to love it, so I set up my online thing because what I like about it is that it keeps me from feeling guilty which keeps me from reverting into bad habits. We’ll see how that goes.

So that’s me in a nutshell right now. Time for my biannual self evaluation where I try to (re)commit to something. Try to (re)evaluate things in my life, etc. I’m sure there’s more where this is coming from because I’m not a spring chicken anymore. I need to make some serious career and life goals, and I really need to think about what that’s going to look like.

Academically–the end of the semester especially makes me feel more like a fraud than any other time of the year, especially now that I’m teaching the intro to the major class. My biggest fear is for my students in this class to get into my chair’s classes and he be like, "she taught you WHAT?? You didn’t learn THAT?? What is she doing in there?????" And then all is revealed–I’m a sham; I suck; fire her! (Of course today I have like a pre-review meeting in anticipation of the February review of my annual review–look as long as I get nothing from the school next Wednesday, I’m still employed for the following year). Granted, I think my teaching has gotten better this semester than it was last year. I have learned without a doubt that I just shouldn’t teach freshman, and since I do the writing classes scheduling, I can avoid this for myself. I just can’t engage them here. I know part of the problem is that I can’t teach an 85 minute writing class. Even giving them writing exercises in class or time to write their essays in class while I’m there, it doesn’t work for me. I have a lot to figure out for how to teach 101 still. I can fix some of this I think with 102 next semester, but I just do not do well with them. I did better this year, but this semester with them was a mess (although a positive mess), and seriously had it not been for that group of boys who have a crush and were eager to participate, class discussions would have been miserable. So I’ve really got to rethink some stuff again for next semester, which is good, I should be, but it just reinforces my feelings that I just don’t know what I’m doing at all. And if I don’t know what I’m doing, then are my students learning anything? Are they learning what they should? Granted I know I can’t force them to learn, and I don’t really know how to counter student apathy. The thing I’ve improved upon is not taking any of this personally anymore. It’s not about me or whether they like me (although it helps that they don’t seem to hate me this semester), so I’ve gotten better with dealing with that. But still.

Also, I still haven’t done anything about coming up with a research plan/idea. I want to submit something to major conference in my field–I could try to revamp the talk I gave in October at school into something worthwhile and make a fancy abstract out of it and try that, and that’s due next Wednesday (all the other ones are much later). But then I really want to do something for another panel, but I didn’t do anything yet with the conference paper from last year, but I have ideas for larger things that last year’s paper would be a part of and would want to expand on it for this year’s paper, but sigh. My brain is dry. The well is pumped out. I have no ideas again probably because I don’t read anything other than what I’m teaching, and I think my teaching is starting to suffer because I’m not reading anything else. This is why I think I was a better teacher as a grad student–because I was reading all the time for things other than the texts I was teaching so I had ideas all the time. Now, I’m just stale like old bread. I’m not moldy yet, but I’m stale. I’ve got to get fresh again, and I’ve got to figure out how to do that.

On an unrelated note, only because it still bothers me some, The J said that I have a very mild form of PTSD after seeing the guy die at the gym. I won’t run near the treadmill where it happened. And the bikes are in front of that treadmill, and one of them is very noisy and when people’s feet hit, it sounds like a thud. When I’m on the bike, I’m constantly turning around at the thud checking on the person to see if s/he’s fallen. I’ve seen the dead man twice. Rather, I’ve seen two men who look like him, or I think they look like him that even knowing the man is dead, I’ve done double takes and stopped and stared at them just to be sure. One was on the treadmill. That really freaked me out. I had to stop and catch my breath when I saw him. The other time was at the grocery. And I’ve noticed that I focus on certain people at the gym sometimes–I keep checking on them making sure they’re okay. One guy was doing some serious Cross-Fit stuff that made me really nervous–I was so nervous about him hurting himself that I couldn’t concentrate on my work out (which I think resulted in a muscle strain on my part because I was really anxious and not paying attention to my own form). And now my mom might have to have heart surgery because she’s got this little leak that affects her breathing and she’s freaked out and I am too, but trying not to let her know that I’m freaked out, and I’ve been having all these anxiety things lately which are made worse by a little cold. At least all I have to do is just show up and collect things from two of my classes the next two days (nice easy rest of the week for me), and Monday is my last teaching day (picking up stuff/housekeeping stuff next week) and then I’m done. Thankfully I’ve got that going for me. And now I guess it’s time to get ready for the gym.

Advertisements

32 responses »

  1. WW
    Ok, I’m commenting before I read the second half of your post because I’ll be your WW buddy! I joined on my b-day, as you know, and I’ll say this: the scale has NOT gone up since I began (except for water-weight at lady time), and it has, consistently, gone down. BUT – and this is worth noting – it is SLOW. (Or at least it has felt that way for me, though I suppose a lot of people would say that consistently losing over the course of 3 months, getting rid of 20+ lbs., and not feeling deprived is really great, I think the lack of deprivation and the slowness makes it feel like it’s not happening, or something. Also, it may be slower for me than it would otherwise be because I really did embrace the plan as a lifestyle change, which means I have not allowed myself to do things on plan that I’m not willing to do forever, so I still drink like once a week, I still go out to dinner, etc. At any rate, do NOT be discouraged if sometimes you only lose like .4 of a pound or something, because every little bit helps, and it really does keep going in the right direction if you are just honest about what you’re eating and eat your points.) Anyway, sorry to gush, but if you have questions about how it’s worked for me or about anything or if you just need support, do drop me an email. I know it really helped me when I first started that my friend J. had done WW before and so had my mom, and they both would listen if I needed to talk about how things were going and offer support when I needed it.
    Ok, now I’m going to go read the rest of your post šŸ™‚

      • Re: WW
        I would love it for you to be my WW buddy! Part of the reason why I finally had the courage to do it was because *you* did on your bday and because I know Belle’s had success and Bright*, and you, so cool! The thing that I like best about it so far after three days is a) I really see how detrimental eating out is (even just things like Subway) and b)I like the weekly and workout “cushions” you get because the thing it has done so far is keep me from feeling guilty, and as someone who was brought up Catholic (and I know you’ll get this, too I think), once that guilt sets in then it’s a whole lot of self-sabotage because of the guilt of doing something “wrong.” So just that right there, eliminating guilt, is going to go a long way for me.

      • Re: WW

        I would love it for you to be my WW buddy! Part of the reason why I finally had the courage to do it was because *you* did on your bday and because I know Belle’s had success and Bright*, and you, so cool! The thing that I like best about it so far after three days is a) I really see how detrimental eating out is (even just things like Subway) and b)I like the weekly and workout “cushions” you get because the thing it has done so far is keep me from feeling guilty, and as someone who was brought up Catholic (and I know you’ll get this, too I think), once that guilt sets in then it’s a whole lot of self-sabotage because of the guilt of doing something “wrong.” So just that right there, eliminating guilt, is going to go a long way for me.

      • Re: WW

        I would love it for you to be my WW buddy! Part of the reason why I finally had the courage to do it was because *you* did on your bday and because I know Belle’s had success and Bright*, and you, so cool! The thing that I like best about it so far after three days is a) I really see how detrimental eating out is (even just things like Subway) and b)I like the weekly and workout “cushions” you get because the thing it has done so far is keep me from feeling guilty, and as someone who was brought up Catholic (and I know you’ll get this, too I think), once that guilt sets in then it’s a whole lot of self-sabotage because of the guilt of doing something “wrong.” So just that right there, eliminating guilt, is going to go a long way for me.

      • Re: WW

        I would love it for you to be my WW buddy! Part of the reason why I finally had the courage to do it was because *you* did on your bday and because I know Belle’s had success and Bright*, and you, so cool! The thing that I like best about it so far after three days is a) I really see how detrimental eating out is (even just things like Subway) and b)I like the weekly and workout “cushions” you get because the thing it has done so far is keep me from feeling guilty, and as someone who was brought up Catholic (and I know you’ll get this, too I think), once that guilt sets in then it’s a whole lot of self-sabotage because of the guilt of doing something “wrong.” So just that right there, eliminating guilt, is going to go a long way for me.

  2. WW

    Ok, I’m commenting before I read the second half of your post because I’ll be your WW buddy! I joined on my b-day, as you know, and I’ll say this: the scale has NOT gone up since I began (except for water-weight at lady time), and it has, consistently, gone down. BUT – and this is worth noting – it is SLOW. (Or at least it has felt that way for me, though I suppose a lot of people would say that consistently losing over the course of 3 months, getting rid of 20+ lbs., and not feeling deprived is really great, I think the lack of deprivation and the slowness makes it feel like it’s not happening, or something. Also, it may be slower for me than it would otherwise be because I really did embrace the plan as a lifestyle change, which means I have not allowed myself to do things on plan that I’m not willing to do forever, so I still drink like once a week, I still go out to dinner, etc. At any rate, do NOT be discouraged if sometimes you only lose like .4 of a pound or something, because every little bit helps, and it really does keep going in the right direction if you are just honest about what you’re eating and eat your points.) Anyway, sorry to gush, but if you have questions about how it’s worked for me or about anything or if you just need support, do drop me an email. I know it really helped me when I first started that my friend J. had done WW before and so had my mom, and they both would listen if I needed to talk about how things were going and offer support when I needed it.

    Ok, now I’m going to go read the rest of your post šŸ™‚

  3. WW

    Ok, I’m commenting before I read the second half of your post because I’ll be your WW buddy! I joined on my b-day, as you know, and I’ll say this: the scale has NOT gone up since I began (except for water-weight at lady time), and it has, consistently, gone down. BUT – and this is worth noting – it is SLOW. (Or at least it has felt that way for me, though I suppose a lot of people would say that consistently losing over the course of 3 months, getting rid of 20+ lbs., and not feeling deprived is really great, I think the lack of deprivation and the slowness makes it feel like it’s not happening, or something. Also, it may be slower for me than it would otherwise be because I really did embrace the plan as a lifestyle change, which means I have not allowed myself to do things on plan that I’m not willing to do forever, so I still drink like once a week, I still go out to dinner, etc. At any rate, do NOT be discouraged if sometimes you only lose like .4 of a pound or something, because every little bit helps, and it really does keep going in the right direction if you are just honest about what you’re eating and eat your points.) Anyway, sorry to gush, but if you have questions about how it’s worked for me or about anything or if you just need support, do drop me an email. I know it really helped me when I first started that my friend J. had done WW before and so had my mom, and they both would listen if I needed to talk about how things were going and offer support when I needed it.

    Ok, now I’m going to go read the rest of your post šŸ™‚

  4. WW

    Ok, I’m commenting before I read the second half of your post because I’ll be your WW buddy! I joined on my b-day, as you know, and I’ll say this: the scale has NOT gone up since I began (except for water-weight at lady time), and it has, consistently, gone down. BUT – and this is worth noting – it is SLOW. (Or at least it has felt that way for me, though I suppose a lot of people would say that consistently losing over the course of 3 months, getting rid of 20+ lbs., and not feeling deprived is really great, I think the lack of deprivation and the slowness makes it feel like it’s not happening, or something. Also, it may be slower for me than it would otherwise be because I really did embrace the plan as a lifestyle change, which means I have not allowed myself to do things on plan that I’m not willing to do forever, so I still drink like once a week, I still go out to dinner, etc. At any rate, do NOT be discouraged if sometimes you only lose like .4 of a pound or something, because every little bit helps, and it really does keep going in the right direction if you are just honest about what you’re eating and eat your points.) Anyway, sorry to gush, but if you have questions about how it’s worked for me or about anything or if you just need support, do drop me an email. I know it really helped me when I first started that my friend J. had done WW before and so had my mom, and they both would listen if I needed to talk about how things were going and offer support when I needed it.

    Ok, now I’m going to go read the rest of your post šŸ™‚

  5. the whole fraud stuff
    Sending a big hug your way. But do realize that everybody feels fried at the end of the semester. Nobody has new ideas at this time of year. NOBODY. What I think you need is one small research success, which you can then build on. One small publication. One foot in the research door. Do you have any colleagues with whom you can share your research? Who can help you to stay focused on pursuing your own ideas alongside your teaching? I think that’s really been helpful to my junior colleagues in my writing group….

  6. the whole fraud stuff

    Sending a big hug your way. But do realize that everybody feels fried at the end of the semester. Nobody has new ideas at this time of year. NOBODY. What I think you need is one small research success, which you can then build on. One small publication. One foot in the research door. Do you have any colleagues with whom you can share your research? Who can help you to stay focused on pursuing your own ideas alongside your teaching? I think that’s really been helpful to my junior colleagues in my writing group….

  7. the whole fraud stuff

    Sending a big hug your way. But do realize that everybody feels fried at the end of the semester. Nobody has new ideas at this time of year. NOBODY. What I think you need is one small research success, which you can then build on. One small publication. One foot in the research door. Do you have any colleagues with whom you can share your research? Who can help you to stay focused on pursuing your own ideas alongside your teaching? I think that’s really been helpful to my junior colleagues in my writing group….

  8. the whole fraud stuff

    Sending a big hug your way. But do realize that everybody feels fried at the end of the semester. Nobody has new ideas at this time of year. NOBODY. What I think you need is one small research success, which you can then build on. One small publication. One foot in the research door. Do you have any colleagues with whom you can share your research? Who can help you to stay focused on pursuing your own ideas alongside your teaching? I think that’s really been helpful to my junior colleagues in my writing group….

  9. I wonder whether your struggles with weight and fitness don’t come, in part, from focusing so much on how you *look*. That’s an external thing over which, quite honestly, we don’t always have much control–and sometimes we think we look bad when we in fact don’t (so our opinions of our appearances are not objective). Is there a fitness activity that makes you *feel* good, consistently–running seems to do that sometimes, but it also seems like a real source of stress for you–that you could do in order to actually enjoy your body? Then it won’t matter so much if you have an extra pound here or there.
    I find that when I’m doing yoga regularly, or when I was taking dance classes a few years ago, I liked the way that my body felt and the things that it could do so much that I didn’t care whether my biceps were toned or whatever. I feel good, at these times, and I like my body. Ultimately, that’s much more compelling positive reinforcement than losing weight or looking good–because it’s instantaneous (one yoga/dance class and I’m feeling fab).
    Just a thought. And I hope you don’t think I’m out of line! It just seems that, over the years that I’ve been reading you, you’ve dedicated a lot of attention to how you look and not much to how you feel.
    -heu mihi

  10. I wonder whether your struggles with weight and fitness don’t come, in part, from focusing so much on how you *look*. That’s an external thing over which, quite honestly, we don’t always have much control–and sometimes we think we look bad when we in fact don’t (so our opinions of our appearances are not objective). Is there a fitness activity that makes you *feel* good, consistently–running seems to do that sometimes, but it also seems like a real source of stress for you–that you could do in order to actually enjoy your body? Then it won’t matter so much if you have an extra pound here or there.

    I find that when I’m doing yoga regularly, or when I was taking dance classes a few years ago, I liked the way that my body felt and the things that it could do so much that I didn’t care whether my biceps were toned or whatever. I feel good, at these times, and I like my body. Ultimately, that’s much more compelling positive reinforcement than losing weight or looking good–because it’s instantaneous (one yoga/dance class and I’m feeling fab).

    Just a thought. And I hope you don’t think I’m out of line! It just seems that, over the years that I’ve been reading you, you’ve dedicated a lot of attention to how you look and not much to how you feel.

    -heu mihi

  11. I wonder whether your struggles with weight and fitness don’t come, in part, from focusing so much on how you *look*. That’s an external thing over which, quite honestly, we don’t always have much control–and sometimes we think we look bad when we in fact don’t (so our opinions of our appearances are not objective). Is there a fitness activity that makes you *feel* good, consistently–running seems to do that sometimes, but it also seems like a real source of stress for you–that you could do in order to actually enjoy your body? Then it won’t matter so much if you have an extra pound here or there.

    I find that when I’m doing yoga regularly, or when I was taking dance classes a few years ago, I liked the way that my body felt and the things that it could do so much that I didn’t care whether my biceps were toned or whatever. I feel good, at these times, and I like my body. Ultimately, that’s much more compelling positive reinforcement than losing weight or looking good–because it’s instantaneous (one yoga/dance class and I’m feeling fab).

    Just a thought. And I hope you don’t think I’m out of line! It just seems that, over the years that I’ve been reading you, you’ve dedicated a lot of attention to how you look and not much to how you feel.

    -heu mihi

  12. I wonder whether your struggles with weight and fitness don’t come, in part, from focusing so much on how you *look*. That’s an external thing over which, quite honestly, we don’t always have much control–and sometimes we think we look bad when we in fact don’t (so our opinions of our appearances are not objective). Is there a fitness activity that makes you *feel* good, consistently–running seems to do that sometimes, but it also seems like a real source of stress for you–that you could do in order to actually enjoy your body? Then it won’t matter so much if you have an extra pound here or there.

    I find that when I’m doing yoga regularly, or when I was taking dance classes a few years ago, I liked the way that my body felt and the things that it could do so much that I didn’t care whether my biceps were toned or whatever. I feel good, at these times, and I like my body. Ultimately, that’s much more compelling positive reinforcement than losing weight or looking good–because it’s instantaneous (one yoga/dance class and I’m feeling fab).

    Just a thought. And I hope you don’t think I’m out of line! It just seems that, over the years that I’ve been reading you, you’ve dedicated a lot of attention to how you look and not much to how you feel.

    -heu mihi

  13. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nola}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
    Oooh, maybe Heu Mihi is onto something: what if you focused more on how you feel than how you look? I’ll tell you what it all makes me think about: how having a baby has made me not care at all how I look. I want people to notice my gorgeous Tot, not me. The fact that AL is a very jealous sort helps too. I know the J isn’t like this, but both things make me avoid situations where someone would see me as an attractive woman. (I saw this guy looking at me, and instead of looking at him again, I just avoided the whole thing. Nothing good can come from it. AL makes me feel sexier than anyone else could, so who cares.) I feel *freed* from the whole pressure to be attractive-looking in the world, where I’d always been a big yo-yo dieter and trying on different looks and all sorts of things. Now I don’t care except to look presentable at work. You’re naturally hot-looking, so maybe it’s harder for you. It’ll be interesting to see if the pressure to be gorgeous will leave you once you’re exhausted from your Triplet Boys! =)
    Your posts always remind me of me and my own challenges, especially with setting unrealistic expectations for myself — that somehow I’m going to be a great teacher-scholar-engaged-citizen-activist, a really involved mom, a lovely helpmeet and cook for AL, a great writer, and an active fit yoga’d person. And this perfect person needs no time for herself to watch movies and zone out and read trashy books, apparently. This person I dream of being is not a person. But to get this back to being about you, I’m reminded of Julie and Julia where the Julie’s mom is being oh-so-helpful: “you’ve got a full-time job, a husband, and now you’re going to get sick from blogging.” But really an academic job with your teaching load and the administrative position plus doing research in the summer plus a husband you love and want to spend time with: do you really have time to be the world’s most fit marathon-runner? Isn’t relaxing with the J and being a good person more important? I don’t know about you, but I’m going to cut you oodles of slack! Last year, you were suffering from the J’s being gone; now he’s back (YAY!) and you get to figure out how to do your job with him around. I think that’s enough!
    I hear you. I want to be perfect instead of the way I am. But we love you anyway, probably because of your imperfections. (P.S. Your concerns and continuing revisions to your teaching are so much better than the people who say that they’ve perfected their classes and that’s it, that a person who’s taught for 20 years shouldn’t have to *work* on their teaching anymore. Because, apparently, students don’t change and these profs don’t get bored of doing the same thing over and over. You are ENGAGED. These people aren’t.)
    EE

  14. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nola}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    Oooh, maybe Heu Mihi is onto something: what if you focused more on how you feel than how you look? I’ll tell you what it all makes me think about: how having a baby has made me not care at all how I look. I want people to notice my gorgeous Tot, not me. The fact that AL is a very jealous sort helps too. I know the J isn’t like this, but both things make me avoid situations where someone would see me as an attractive woman. (I saw this guy looking at me, and instead of looking at him again, I just avoided the whole thing. Nothing good can come from it. AL makes me feel sexier than anyone else could, so who cares.) I feel *freed* from the whole pressure to be attractive-looking in the world, where I’d always been a big yo-yo dieter and trying on different looks and all sorts of things. Now I don’t care except to look presentable at work. You’re naturally hot-looking, so maybe it’s harder for you. It’ll be interesting to see if the pressure to be gorgeous will leave you once you’re exhausted from your Triplet Boys! =)

    Your posts always remind me of me and my own challenges, especially with setting unrealistic expectations for myself — that somehow I’m going to be a great teacher-scholar-engaged-citizen-activist, a really involved mom, a lovely helpmeet and cook for AL, a great writer, and an active fit yoga’d person. And this perfect person needs no time for herself to watch movies and zone out and read trashy books, apparently. This person I dream of being is not a person. But to get this back to being about you, I’m reminded of Julie and Julia where the Julie’s mom is being oh-so-helpful: “you’ve got a full-time job, a husband, and now you’re going to get sick from blogging.” But really an academic job with your teaching load and the administrative position plus doing research in the summer plus a husband you love and want to spend time with: do you really have time to be the world’s most fit marathon-runner? Isn’t relaxing with the J and being a good person more important? I don’t know about you, but I’m going to cut you oodles of slack! Last year, you were suffering from the J’s being gone; now he’s back (YAY!) and you get to figure out how to do your job with him around. I think that’s enough!

    I hear you. I want to be perfect instead of the way I am. But we love you anyway, probably because of your imperfections. (P.S. Your concerns and continuing revisions to your teaching are so much better than the people who say that they’ve perfected their classes and that’s it, that a person who’s taught for 20 years shouldn’t have to *work* on their teaching anymore. Because, apparently, students don’t change and these profs don’t get bored of doing the same thing over and over. You are ENGAGED. These people aren’t.)

    EE

  15. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nola}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    Oooh, maybe Heu Mihi is onto something: what if you focused more on how you feel than how you look? I’ll tell you what it all makes me think about: how having a baby has made me not care at all how I look. I want people to notice my gorgeous Tot, not me. The fact that AL is a very jealous sort helps too. I know the J isn’t like this, but both things make me avoid situations where someone would see me as an attractive woman. (I saw this guy looking at me, and instead of looking at him again, I just avoided the whole thing. Nothing good can come from it. AL makes me feel sexier than anyone else could, so who cares.) I feel *freed* from the whole pressure to be attractive-looking in the world, where I’d always been a big yo-yo dieter and trying on different looks and all sorts of things. Now I don’t care except to look presentable at work. You’re naturally hot-looking, so maybe it’s harder for you. It’ll be interesting to see if the pressure to be gorgeous will leave you once you’re exhausted from your Triplet Boys! =)

    Your posts always remind me of me and my own challenges, especially with setting unrealistic expectations for myself — that somehow I’m going to be a great teacher-scholar-engaged-citizen-activist, a really involved mom, a lovely helpmeet and cook for AL, a great writer, and an active fit yoga’d person. And this perfect person needs no time for herself to watch movies and zone out and read trashy books, apparently. This person I dream of being is not a person. But to get this back to being about you, I’m reminded of Julie and Julia where the Julie’s mom is being oh-so-helpful: “you’ve got a full-time job, a husband, and now you’re going to get sick from blogging.” But really an academic job with your teaching load and the administrative position plus doing research in the summer plus a husband you love and want to spend time with: do you really have time to be the world’s most fit marathon-runner? Isn’t relaxing with the J and being a good person more important? I don’t know about you, but I’m going to cut you oodles of slack! Last year, you were suffering from the J’s being gone; now he’s back (YAY!) and you get to figure out how to do your job with him around. I think that’s enough!

    I hear you. I want to be perfect instead of the way I am. But we love you anyway, probably because of your imperfections. (P.S. Your concerns and continuing revisions to your teaching are so much better than the people who say that they’ve perfected their classes and that’s it, that a person who’s taught for 20 years shouldn’t have to *work* on their teaching anymore. Because, apparently, students don’t change and these profs don’t get bored of doing the same thing over and over. You are ENGAGED. These people aren’t.)

    EE

  16. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nola}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    Oooh, maybe Heu Mihi is onto something: what if you focused more on how you feel than how you look? I’ll tell you what it all makes me think about: how having a baby has made me not care at all how I look. I want people to notice my gorgeous Tot, not me. The fact that AL is a very jealous sort helps too. I know the J isn’t like this, but both things make me avoid situations where someone would see me as an attractive woman. (I saw this guy looking at me, and instead of looking at him again, I just avoided the whole thing. Nothing good can come from it. AL makes me feel sexier than anyone else could, so who cares.) I feel *freed* from the whole pressure to be attractive-looking in the world, where I’d always been a big yo-yo dieter and trying on different looks and all sorts of things. Now I don’t care except to look presentable at work. You’re naturally hot-looking, so maybe it’s harder for you. It’ll be interesting to see if the pressure to be gorgeous will leave you once you’re exhausted from your Triplet Boys! =)

    Your posts always remind me of me and my own challenges, especially with setting unrealistic expectations for myself — that somehow I’m going to be a great teacher-scholar-engaged-citizen-activist, a really involved mom, a lovely helpmeet and cook for AL, a great writer, and an active fit yoga’d person. And this perfect person needs no time for herself to watch movies and zone out and read trashy books, apparently. This person I dream of being is not a person. But to get this back to being about you, I’m reminded of Julie and Julia where the Julie’s mom is being oh-so-helpful: “you’ve got a full-time job, a husband, and now you’re going to get sick from blogging.” But really an academic job with your teaching load and the administrative position plus doing research in the summer plus a husband you love and want to spend time with: do you really have time to be the world’s most fit marathon-runner? Isn’t relaxing with the J and being a good person more important? I don’t know about you, but I’m going to cut you oodles of slack! Last year, you were suffering from the J’s being gone; now he’s back (YAY!) and you get to figure out how to do your job with him around. I think that’s enough!

    I hear you. I want to be perfect instead of the way I am. But we love you anyway, probably because of your imperfections. (P.S. Your concerns and continuing revisions to your teaching are so much better than the people who say that they’ve perfected their classes and that’s it, that a person who’s taught for 20 years shouldn’t have to *work* on their teaching anymore. Because, apparently, students don’t change and these profs don’t get bored of doing the same thing over and over. You are ENGAGED. These people aren’t.)

    EE

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s