I’ve had nightmares/bad dreams the last three nights in a row. In the last years, that’s been unusual for me. I used to suffer from night terrors, or at least I think I did. For about two years I used to have nightmares about four or five times a week that were so horrible that I’d wake myself up screaming, usually scaring the dog. One was about snakes, one was about Freddy Krueger (seriously? I’m not afraid of Freddy Krueger at all, but he scared the shit out of me the other night), and well, this one wasn’t a nightmare, but it woke me up, but I received a nasty letter upon the birth of my child (in my dream) calling me and my child slut whores. I know where the basis of all of these dreams have come from, but I don’t know why they are nightmares. I don’t know why, but I’ve been really stressed and exhausted lately. Headaches, bloat, back pain–and lest you jump to conclusions, I took a pregnancy test (a large source, actually, of my stress–a bunch of things going on that are still probably hormone related just not *that*) which I am not pregnant (which we plan on having kids, and while we have our eye on a tiny house that may need siding and would give me about a 45 minute commute–not ideal, but anything closer than that and we’re talking 1 bedroom houses for 190K and up–a 2 bedroom with a garage or off street parking would set us back around 290K, and well, no. I would not pay that for 2 bedrooms and one bath–we don’t want to have to rush into a house (yes, I know lots of people around here raise their children in apartments and condos and townhomes, but I’m spoiled. No lugging a kid up and down stairs or in an elevator with two dogs. Forget it). And seriously, there’s no room for even an infant in this apartment. Anyway. It’s pathetic, but I’m so not ready to give up my wine with dinner yet. And I want to be in better shape before I get pregnant. But the J was so great about it. He was like, "well, I’m not disappointed that you’re not, but it will be awesome when you are." Isn’t that just sweet? Anyway…

The J thinks that the reason why I was suspicious is because it is all hormonal, but it’s caused by the pill. But I go through the same thing everytime I try a new pill–three months to adjust, six good months, and then about month nine my body is just like, "eh, we don’t like this forced regulation any more." So, maybe that’s why in the first three months I didn’t have trouble, when I worked at it, losing those five pounds and why now, nine months in, I can’t lose for trying. And the doctor did tell me that at my age it gets harder to be on the pill, or at least I think that’s what she said. Plus, it like totally exacerbates my melasma, which is annoying, so I don’t know. I mean, over the years I’ve tried at least ten different pills, the patch, and the ring, and every time, about this time, I’m like, "ugh, this is just not cool." Even though about six months ago I was singing the praises of Yaz, maybe now ti’s time to let go. That kind of makes me a little cranky. Anyway, enough of this. It’s probably like way too much TMI.

But I have just been feeling really "blah" lately. I mean, classes are going well. I’ve got to figure out some kind of writing workshop for the froshes today. I have an idea, but I’m not sure how it will work. I had planned on getting all their drafts they turned in Tuesday done by today (like I always do), but I’ve been so freakin tired, that didn’t happen. My observation went less than great, but at least my boss recognized that it was because for some reason I was really really nervous. And I decided that part of the problem is that I love the Great Sock Novel too much to teach it. I’m too invested in it. And I focus too much on why it’s such a brilliant book rather than the important issues in it, so I’m like all over the place here. My students are actually coming to see me to talk about the classes and their work. A couple of students I’ve run into from last fall have said "are things going better this year? We were really hard on you last fall. Sorry." So that’s nice. And things with The J are going smashingly. I couldn’t be happier right now in some respects. So I can’t figure out why I’m so stressed and feeling like crap lately. I feel like within the last two weeks I’ve gone to hell in a handbasket. My clothes look like shit on me. My hair just won’t do what it should. My face just looks bad. Like I don’t mean to have a pity party here, but I don’t know what’s happened in the last two weeks that everything has just gone downhill on a physical and appearance level. I mean, I’ve worked out more in the weeks since the marathon than in the weeks before it, so it’s not a decrease in exercise. I’m just in a funk for the first time since the J’s been back and since the semester has started, so I don’t know what’s up. Maybe it is all BCP related. Maybe it’s this crazy ass weather around here. Maybe it’s that time of the semester. Maybe it’s a combination of all three things. I don’t feel like I’m getting a cold or sinus infection or anything like that so I don’t think that’s it. Oh well. Tonight I’m getting my hair color done. Maybe I can have her neaten it up a bit while I’m there even though I just got it cut two weeks ago. Hmmmm. Oh well.

Okay, so that’s enough of my funkitude. I think I need breakfast.


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